Choosing Joy

  Hey all, long time no chat. I just wanted to send out my sincere gratitude to all of you who have reached out and commented over the past few months wondering where I am, and how I’ve been doing. Overall I’ve been well, physically. Mind you, mentally and emotionally seems to be another story.....haha. It's amazing how we can get so wrapped up in our own lives and all the different things we need to get done on a daily basis that we seem to easily forget about ourselves. Anywho, i'm back and ready for another posting. I can certainly say with 100% confidence that we are in no way near the end of this journey. Despite being at post #52 haha. I swear i'm not trying to drag this out, it just really is that long of a story!  However, I can tell you with full and complete confidence that once I get to the posts about my hysterectomy surgery, the wait will certainly be worth it. Funny enough they have already both been written, I couldn't wait they were just too good.....rea...

Hey all, I know for all of us it’s been a rough few months. Well no, let’s call this sh*t how it’s actually been…… h3ll. The past going on 3 years have been outright h3ll. I’m sure just like the rest of you I’m emotionally, spiritually, physically downright exhausted.  However I feel as though today, seems I’ve had an epiphany. Or I’ve just reached my bullsh*t tolerance level. Nevertheless, it’s time to change some sh*t.  Personally speaking I can’t even say it’s been a “rut” for the past few months. With all that has been happening between the cancer, hysterectomy, medication changes, hormonal imbalances, severe depression, PTSD realizations, and trying to “matrix” my way through this COVID minefield that is out all our front doors. It’s a miracle how I’ve even managed to get out of bed everyday. If I’m truly honest…..I’m just fu*cking over it, yes all of it. 😒🤦🏻‍♀️ Where is the joy, happiness, and the wanting to get up every morning?! Through all of this, I’ve learned so ...

An open letter to all Fertility doctors…... Dearest Mr./Mrs. Fertility Doctor, So this is certainly somewhat unconventional. I know you don’t know me, and yeah I get it, this is weird I’m writing you a letter. Mind you I figured this would be a good idea to help you understand me before we meet for the first time. I’m not exactly sure where to start as so many thoughts are rushing through my head, but I will certainly try my best. Thank you so much for taking the time to meet with me, I hope this will be a good match for both of us. I’m sure as you can imagine this is not anything I thought would ever happen to me. I’m not sure why I was so lucky to win this prize, but here we are. When you first meet me, I’m not exactly sure how I will react, given the nature of the situation. I’m usually fairly outspoken, social, and love to laugh.  However, most likely I’ll be very shy and timid, while eagerly seeking your reassurance that I am in good hands. I feel like I have done all of the r...

  Hi all, Hope everyone had a good holiday. Personally for me It just didn't feel like Christmas no matter how hard I tried to make it so. This year, really tried my best to get in the Christmas spirit, but just never really seemed to come together if you ask me. Between all the new variant cases reaching basically 10,000 in what seemed to be overnight. Along with me personally being high risk, despite being fully vaccinated AND having a booster. I cannot help but feel "uneasy" to say the least about going out in public at all at this point. Fu*king COVID! Anyhoo, I hope that Santa was very good to all of you seeing as Omicron has been too damn giving this year to everyone, enter sarcastic tone here..... Okie dokie, where did I leave off..... oh yeah filling out the hysterectomy paperwork with my oncologist. Dr. F did mention that in the next few days prior to my surgery I would receive a pre-op call from an intake nurse to get any important information from me in regards...

Hi fam, Sorry for the delay the past few weeks. There has been a lot happening behind the scenes that have been pulling my attention a different way as of late. Not to mention I haven't really been in the writing mindset. As entertaining im sure this is to all of you, it certainly is a lot more than just humorous entertainment for myself. As you can imagine its a cleansing, h3ll a purge of the soul if you will. That being said, my mind and heart have to be in the right place, to be authentically myself and haven't really been lately, but are right now. Anywhoo, hello all. Merry Christmas and happy holidays to all, dang the year flew by super fast and slow all at the same time. This week I actually saw a really funny meme that said "wow this week has been a really hard year". 😂 H3ll I feel that applies to the past 2 years at least, thanks covid and whatever other aspects of this dumpster fire i've lived the past few years.😊 Enter sarcastic tone here.  So in the l...

Hey all, So as always let me be completely transparent here. Normally with this blog and all its wonderful and crazy "fun-filled" glory. I would do a post every week. Im sure you all have noticed that it seems to have been every other week as of late. My honest answer to this is certainly not due to lack of content by any means. H3ll this crazy sh*t basically writes itself, truly.  At this point however, for me, is where the story really got difficult. Ironically enough, yes the whole thing has been a "crap circus" at best. But this was certainly a hard pill to swallow for sure. In the last entry I spoke about finally deciding to have a hysterectomy, even though seems the decision was already made for me. Despite having to make this decision, I on some weird level was still hopeful that we could grow our family, and that wouldn't be the end of our fertility journey.  In my mind, being the problem solver that I am, I couldn't help but think that there must be...

  Hey all, Hope you all had a good week. This week's entry is somewhat off the beaten path, but not too far away from what this blog has been about. I have been mulling things over in the back of my mind, throughout the whole time I have been writing this blog. Wether we know it or not, this life we have consists of choices.  I guess wether a decision is good or bad, depends on who you talk to. Im sure you read that statement over more than once.😂 Yeah it may seem weird, but thats something I believe. No matter what choices or decisions we make in our lives, each event or situation are all simply learning experiences. If the choice  is something we consider as positive, then through experience, we learn that we enjoyed what the outcome was and what we have gotten back from that decision we made was positive and joyous. This in turn, will have us leaning towards making that choice again in the future, if given the opportunity. On the flip side, what constitutes a bad deci...

  Hey all, Sorry for the delay, as you can imagine I needed a break….. There has certainly been a lot of change in my life just over the past 2-3 weeks. Well, more like the past 2-4 years if I’m completely transparent. So this weeks topic has brought us to a pretty interesting conversation to say the least. I feel at this point all of this is fairly repetitive, at least from my end anyway. However I guess its good because then it helps get it out and not only raise awareness but also help my heart to heal through all of this. As we arrive closer to what seems to be the "climax" of this whole situation, at what seems to be the pace of a high speed car chase, or maybe a more accurate depiction would be the movie Speed. Yes I mean the one with Sandra Bullock, Keanu Reaves, Dennis Hopper, and of corse the star of the show the bus. Truly felt as though everything was going just that fast with no ability to pump the breaks at any moment. At least that bus was lucky it couldn't ...

*NOTE*:  this is not me specifically, but more or less a representation of me trying to get through this cancer garbage while in a pandemic. Hey all, So as I mentioned in the past post, I am very much in the "thick of it now" at this point in the story, clearly. FML. 🤦🏻‍♀️ As you can imagine, my head is in any given place other than where it should be at this point. If im completely honest, as tough as it was to work throughout the pandemic, it was truly a blessing at the same time. Mind you, I could say the same thing about working during this whole cancer situation. I know most people might not continue to work during  a "cancer situation" like this . However, for me, I am certainly not like most people, and I in fact welcomed it. As a self proclaimed "workaholic" it really was the best thing for me to basically submerge, dare I say drown, myself in my work head first.  Well now that I think about it, what might that even look like anyway?  of corse we...

  Hey all, Just an FYI, I thought the above meme was incredibly accurate for the next chapter of this so called sh*t show we have going on here.  I have also decided this little boy's name is Hubert.  Hubert J. Solomon to be exact. Wow, that sounds ridiculously specific, Yes I know, one of my many talents is making weird sh*t happen.  But is that really his name you ask?, as far as I know it to be true yes. But is that his actual name?, well I have no idea, but he looks like a Hubert to me so let's just go with that for now. 😂  So let’s recap where I left off.  Since we last left the story, I spoke with my oncologist who said basically at this point, since the most recent scans showed abnormalities in my lymph nodes, they were certainly concerned that the cancer may have travelled. Which long story short, means the cancer may now be stage III and not stage I.  FML. 🤦🏻‍♀️ So let's think, what now? what's the next step?  Personally I had no idea,...

                                                              Thoughts. For years I thought that vulnerability was simply a word that people used to express thoughts and feelings to other people, never myself. Just the thought of being vulnerable was completely sickening to me. To the point where I would rather make myself violently ill, just to avoid it. When it came to anyone else being vulnerable  with me at all,  naturally, I would automatically welcome them.  While continuously supporting, and embracing them all with open arms. No questions asked, just my personality. But why?, why is this concept such a taboo topic for me personally? If I say part of it wasn't because of my upbringing, i'd be lying to you... Despite the constant internal struggles within myself. Seemed that the hard fought demanding road of streng...

Welcome back all, So this post is, I believe anyway, one of the more “intriguing” ones I would have to say. I’m not sure if I previously mentioned but the Megace, progesterone medication, I was on the past few months did it’s job overall. However, not without some unfortunate side effects that went along with it. For those of you who have been on this medication, well you know what i'm talking about. For those of you who have not, well let me try to break it down for you. I did mention in a previous post about this super intense medication, but I will certainly try my best to explain again. So the medication called Megace is often prescribed to women who have been diagnosed with breast cancer. Mind you, I was not obviously, but clearly I wasn't too far off. Seeing as I was still in the "cancer family" unfortunately. So this medication formally known as Magestol Acetate, is certainly not a medication to be taken lightly by any means, seeing as what it can do to the hum...

 Hi all, So in the last post, it outlined a very tumultuous few days after the conversation I had with my oncologist. Naturally my mind was everywhere and anywhere other than where it should actually be. I’m sure your mind would be all over the place too if your doctor told you there is a fairly probable possibility that your cancer was longer have stage I. There’s a good chance it’s now stage III. Sh*t!….. for the past few months I was on fight mode, as that was what seemed so natural to me. "Im gonna be fine, im gonna be ok, ill get through this and come out on top!" I would regularly tell myself. Despite anytime I would have to go downtown for a oncologist appointment, I would have regular mental breakdowns/crying fits in my car. Im sure it made for great entertainment for the other drivers on the DVP highway. However, by some divine intervention, it’s gone. Whats gone you ask? my fight, Up and left, and the fu*ker didn’t even say bye. 🤨 Rude. Not surprising….. if it’s an...