Chapter 42: Vulnerability

                                                           

 

Thoughts.

For years I thought that vulnerability was simply a word that people used to express thoughts and feelings to other people, never myself. Just the thought of being vulnerable was completely sickening to me. To the point where I would rather make myself violently ill, just to avoid it.

When it came to anyone else being vulnerable  with me at all,  naturally, I would automatically welcome them.  While continuously supporting, and embracing them all with open arms. No questions asked, just my personality.

But why?, why is this concept such a taboo topic for me personally? If I say part of it wasn't because of my upbringing, i'd be lying to you...

Despite the constant internal struggles within myself. Seemed that the hard fought demanding road of strength, vigor, and endurance always trumped the awkwardness of my true feelings about many things. Vulnerability and internal burdens included. It was always easy to muffle whatever true thoughts that would cross in my mind, before I dare let them make any appearance to others, especially you.

When it was you, I was always weak no matter how hard I tried.

Truth is, I have always been much more shattered, broken, h3ll damaged even, then any of you have ever known or seen. Ive just been able to master the art of wearing a mask for most of my life, fake it till you make it right?

Broken, shattered, whatever you want to call it, means different things for different people I guess. However seems at the end of the day we are all a little broken. Just depends how much we want to show how broken we are to others and specifically who.

Hundreds, if not thousands of tears shed for this never ending fu*king tsunami that continues to devour every single part of me daily. Forcing myself to question every aspect of myself, from top to bottom.

Ironically enough, no matter what, seems the truth always finds its way in, one way or the other. Wether it decides to knock gently on the front door, or break in guns blazing through a back window

And if i'm completely honest with myself.....

What makes me the most angry is that I let you, yes YOU!, see me at the most vulnerable i've ever been. The side ive always hidden, and never let anyone else see. Yet here we are in the same fu*king battle for supremacy we've always been in. No matter how hard I try to believe this time will be different, it never is. You win, fine you fu*king win. I wave my white flag in defeat, with no-one to turn to but myself.

Forced to sit in my own fear and vulnerability. 

Alone.

Fu*king alone.

Not alone, yet always alone.