Chapter 47: The Big Surgery......
Well, I feel like I can basically call you all family now, considering all that i've shared up until this point. Yet I know almost nothing about nearly all of you. But here we are, the grand finale, the big kahuna, what all of this has lead up to until this point. To be completely honest with you, I am cheating a bit. Up until this point I have been writing these posts in chronological order. But seeing as ive just had surgery, and the amount of things that have happened, I certainly did not want to miss anything.
So Im sure as you can possibly guess, this is going to be a VERY long one, and well, I'm sure you're right. So snuggle up with a teddy, a blanket, and super stiff drink. As i'm sure we all need it by this point, and if I could drink, rest assured I would have by now. Enjoy the continued shit show that is currently my life.👌
Let me start off by saying, I will try my best to not overlap information given a lot has been said up until this point. I'm not 100% sure where the other posts are going to leave off, as they haven't been written yet, and i'm taking Tylenol and Hydramorphone aka. Morphine for pain, so I apologize in advance.
Let's see, where should I start. So seeing as a few days before when I "talked" aka argued with the oncologist receptionist, she told me my surgery was at 8:00am, and I had to arrive by 6am. Okie Dokie, no problem. So there I was still wide awake at 12:30am knowing I had to wake up at 4:00am. FML. But naturally who could sleep knowing they have some epic life changing surgery in only a few hours. Exactly, thats what I thought. So up we were at 4am, barely having slept the night before, naturally. Getting all our last minute things together before my mom arrived to bring us to the hospital. But for sure though, shout out to my mom for waking up at 3am and driving all the way from the country to bring us to the hospital downtown. She eventually arrived at 5:30-ish, and after checking that I had all the things I needed for the 42nd hundred-umpteenth time. Off we went to TGH.
It was at this point, i'm sure you can imagine, all of the thoughts, and I mean literally all of them were rushing through my mind. I couldn't help but let them. I had no control over what was coming and going in my mind at this point, given how fast the thoughts were flowing.🤷 So here we are, holy shit, finally arrived at the hospital entrance, couldn't turn back now even if I wanted to. I pulled up my big girl panties and got out of the car. I then walked over and grabbed my overnight bag from the back seat and walked to the drivers side where my mom was sitting. J stood and waited on the sidewalk while I hugged my mom, and had a good cry before I left. All of a sudden I felt this sinking feeling, one that seemed all to familiar as i've had it before. I usually get this feeling right before my "verbal diarrhea" kicks in as its so affectionately known as. Next thing I knew out it came, "I can't say this to J, as I know he will get upset, But I want to be cremated. I don't want a funeral. I want a huge ass party, with a DJ, food, laughing, and fun." To which my mom smiled and replied, "ok, but you're not going to need that yet, you'll be fine." I then walked to the sidewalk, grabbed J's hand and walked into the hospital.
We then got a set of fresh masks from the screener booth after being verbally screened, and made our way to the elevator and got off the floor where surgical admissions was. Well shit, here we are. I then gave my health card to the receptionist nurse who looked at it and then looked up at me surprised and said " wow your really early", "not really" I said, " I was told the surgery was just after 8, and to be here for 6/7am." "8am?" she said with a confused look on her face. She then looked in her schedule book and said "no I have you here to not go in until 11". OH HELL, here we go, why do I envision that stupid oncologist receptionist laying in her bed with a huge smile on her face, knowing she's getting the last laugh making me come this early for no reason. A-hole😒
The nurse then said "do you know how long your surgery will be?", given that no-one has actually told me and dr Google says generally, 1-3 hours, thats exactly what I said. The surprised look on her face told me just how insanely wrong I was. "Um, I have you booked in the O.R. from 11-5 here so your surgery is 6 hours." Well ok then, I was definitely off, and immediately I started to get even more nervous then I already was. She then put a hospital bracelet on my wrist and it immediately became a lot more real then it ever was that this is actually happening.
I then went back and sat down with my husband and took a few deep breaths to calm myself, although it really didn't do much. I looked across the narrow room and couldn't help but notice a woman sitting across the room alone looking just as nervous as I was. I chatted off and on with J while we both anxiously waited and I dozed off a few times as well. It was then at this point, The woman across the room and I started playing musical chairs with the waiting room toilet. Lucky her, she must of had that nuclear bio-weapon I was told I had to take yesterday too. Friggin' Bi-peglyte, tasted like fruit punch my ass 😒. It was at that point I realized how amazingly huge my colon/bowels really are. Like seriously, how was there anything left, seems the impending surgery really did scare the shit right out of me. Well what was left anyway. I mean how was it still coming out?, how?! I couldn't tell you. I must of had some secret reserve in the back somewhere that only the CIA/secret service would know about.
Before I knew it, it was time to go in and get prepped. Already?!? I guess so. I gabbed what I could, kissed and hugged my husband, and walked into the patient-only waiting area. I walked in, was given a gown to change into, naturally along with some foot hair-nets aka booties. I say that as we all know thats what they look like. But forreal though, what is this protecting my feet from? Im basically barefoot anyway. Even if my feet did smell these feet hair-nets weren't gonna cover anything up. Nice try tho. They were more irritating than anything. If they weren't falling off, then they were having holes cut into them by my dry foot bottom. Yeah I said it, so what?! its winter in a freaking pandemic. Ain't nobody trying to get a pedicure during a damn pandemic. If you are? well you need to re-evaluate your life choices. Social distancing people.
Prior to the surgery, I was asked to bring my CPAP. For those of you who do not know what a CPAP is, its a machine people use who have sleep apnea. Incase you don't know, sleep apnea is where people stop breathing while they are sleeping. Fun fact, people cannot die from sleep apnea directly. However they can die from the stress it puts on the body and the heart i.e. heart attacks etc. The reason why I mentioned this is because it plays into the story. While I was waiting to go into surgery, the respiratory therapist came by and said he wanted to check over my machine to make sure it was suitable to use after surgery. Cool.
The nurse I had looking after me while I was waiting was literally the best, she was awesome. Lets call her Lisa. To be honest it was actually really refreshing given most of the garbage ive had up until this point. She was a true vet and knew exactly what I needed before I even had to ask for it. I guess something that comes naturally after being in the nursing game for at least 34 years. She had the best sense of humour and made me laugh just as much as I made her laugh.
Naturally, there was variety of people that came and left most of them I have no idea who they were or why they were there, But assumed they had a purpose at some time or another. Lisa then said that the Anaestheologist intern will be over in just a little while to start my IV. I'm sorry who is doing what? do I have choice in having a 12 year old try to find a vein or not? i'm assuming not. Pan to 15 mins later, a man showed up at the base of my bed saying he was the intern I was waiting for. Ummm, I think I may have been mistaken. Not sure how this sweet man was an intern seeing as he was about 280 years old, and looked like he actually attended the first successful anesthetic procedure when it was implemented 1846. 😐😕. But hey, as much as I joke, good for him! thats awesome! im all for people with goals and aspirations to better themselves as human and their career in general. HOWEVER, what I am not a fan of is when their goals and aspirations leave my wrist looking like this, see exhibits A/B below:
Naturally I tried not to look when he put the 6-8' needle in my wrist, but not gonna lie I certainly got worried when I lost feeling in my thumb, not to mention sharp pain throughout my wrist and hand. "oh don't worry he said, everything will be fine, just keep moving your thumb" he said.....?????? 😟 While all of a sudden I felt the needle go all the way down my forearm and poke the inside of my elbow, and warm liquid pouring down my wrist onto my forearm. "uhh is that blood?" I said while looking the other way, "yes it is, i'm in the artery so this happens all the time"😕 well ok then. Assuming he would know since seems he's been around the block a few hundred thousand times.....? He then taped up my wrist as tight as he possibly could, like forreal though as tight as anyone humanly could. He is clearly in the wrong job or maybe he started in orthopaedics? aka bone reconstruction. He wrapped that shit so tight its like he was auditioning for a position at Burrito boys. I tried to tell him how much it hurt and that it was too tight. He basically looked at me then looked at the front and back of my wrist and shrugged his shoulders, as if to say "tough shit, good luck though". He then packed up his stuff and walked over to his next "victim".....cool🙄.
After the stress of dealing with Mr. Sunshine the intern, I couldn't help but feel, once again I need to use the washroom. AGAIN!? well whatever, I was hoping to be able to see my husband one last time just for even a small amount of comfort before I went in. "oh he's not there anymore he was told to go to the surgical waiting room", the nurse said. Well ok then.
I then returned to my "bed" to await what craziness was next to ensue. Right on cue walked up the surgeon and her surgical fellow (step down from a surgeon). At this point I had not met the surgeon, as my oncologist told me to "just take the first surgery date that came up no matter who it was with", which was exactly what I did. So up walked Dr. M and her fellow, and as soon as they introduced themselves, they immediately asked me if I knew what procedure I was having. Before I was able to respond, I looked at the surgical fellow, and the immediate words that came to my mind.....You have GOT to be fucking kidding me. She was 6/7 months pregnant. Shit. REALLY!?!? I couldn't barely get the words out of my mouth without sobbing like a baby. I was then able to muster up the courage and say the words, "full robotic assisted hysterectomy, including ovaries, and right lymph-node dissection." JEEZ.... i've never had words taste so terrible and cut like knives at the same time while they came out.
Naturally they grabbed a box of tissues for me to have, while consoling me as best they could. Which really didn't do much but it was kind of them to try. The surgeon then proceeded to tell me how wonderful I was and how much my oncologist loves me. Well duh....I am a friggin' delight, heck phenomenal, in fact im the basic equivalent to a box of puppies after all so I don't blame her.😎 The surgeon then proceeded to do her job and explain exactly what was going to happen and if I had any questions. naturally I responded "so on a scale of 1-10, I don't really have to do this right?, is there anyone I can shoulder tap and do a quick ol' switcher-oo with?" the surgeon then smiled and shook her head. Before she could even respond, I said "well who am I kidding, I'm not going anywhere with this bionic arm with all these IV's coming out of it. It's enough to make even an octopus jealous." The surgeon smiled and said "ok I'll see you soon in the O.R."
Within the next 5 minutes everyone and their mother was at the bottom or side of my bed at some point. It was like a 19 kids and counting Duggar family reunion that I was never invited to but somehow showed up at anyway. Two O.R. nurses, Pre-op nurses, Porter, Anesthesiologist, and i'm sure a bunch of other people I can't remember. All I could recall is repeatedly asking anyone who would listen to give me a sedative, and consistently getting the answer you need to speak to the doctor, or they can't give me one without a doctor's order. To be honest to this day I still have no idea if I got one since no-one said anything other than random medical jargon for the last 5-10 minutes I was sitting there.
So after all the brief organized chaos calmed down, I couldn't help but notice some guy, I believe he was one of the porter staff, just kind of casually walking back and forth, full on singing to himself. Well yeah buddy get it!, too be honest, it felt oddly satisfying, comforting, and somewhat like home. I couldn't help but be reminded of my brother Evan, its like all my in-laws were all there, and I was able to find brief but immediate comfort in that. Soon after, another porter arrived to bring me to the O.R. But I wanted the other guy, I though to myself. He then introduced himself and off I went before I knew it. Well ok then, it's definitely happening.
Before I knew it, it was happening. The verbal diarrhea decided to arrive and make another appearance once again. Oh here we go, Jesus take the wheel. "So, when are you gonna start singing me a song like the other guy?".....oh lort.......I want to say by now this immediately should have been a clue that a sedative had been given, but unfortunately with my personality and natural tendency for verbal diarrhea on even a good day, it's still was really hard to tell at this point. I couldn't see his face, but i'm sure it was something to the effect of, "WTF is this chick talking about?!". He then responded with, "uhh i'm not a singer, I don't sing". Naturally, there I was encouraging him to do so, along with a side of "well I saw the other guy doing it, so why don't you?". At this point, I didn't even have to see his face, I could feel his eyes rolling. To be honest I really didn't care if he wanted to sing or not, I was determined to get something out of him. Being the nice guy he was, he humoured me while distracting me with talks about 90's boy bands, and the ever so popular American Idol phenom, William Hung. Lucky for him the O.R. was only a very short ride away, but to be honest, I think he stayed a little extra for the free show I was giving.
At this point, I had arrived at the O.R, and just spent as much time as I could looking around at as many things as I could, I never wanted to forget this moment. I was greeted by the O.R. staff who kindly humoured me, and joined in our American Idol themed conversation. Heck one of the nurses even did a little booty dance while I sang "she bangs", as to which I naturally responded "yeah girl, get it!". Once again, I cannot confirm or deny that I was given a sedative at this point, but I may be leaning towards yes given what was about to follow.
The staff then kindly asked me to "shimmy" by bum onto the O.R. table. I then looked at the table, to my left and immediately said "NO", as loudly and clearly as I could. "why not?" she responded. All I could focus on was a huge 3-4 inch hole gap in the table where in theory my butt would be going. I then said "i'm gonna fall in the table, look at that hole", she giggled and said "no you're not gonna go in the hole, you bum goes above it, not in it". At this point all I could do was focus on this gaping hole in the table for the last 10-15 minutes I had left of consciousness.
"So I don't get it, what's the point of this hole anyway?"
"Why is it there?"
"You expect me to move my not so tiny butt onto this table, and not drop into this gaping hole never to be found again". Please note, I was already on the O.R. table while saying this. 😂
"But forreal tho, this hole is huge, how am I not gonna fall in it.?"
"Is anyone aware how strategically placed this hole is?, its like the guy who designed this personally knew me and that I had to consume that ridiculous bowel bio weapon which assaulted every inch of my insides from tip to toe"
"OMG, the hole is a shoot for people who shit themselves during surgery"
"its a poop shoot! the table has a poop shoot!"
All I remember at this point is laughing while repeating how the table had a poop shoot for about maybe 50-1000 times before they asked me to stop talking.😂
The surgeon then came over and gathered everyone's attention, and briefly went over what was happening and if anyone had any questions before starting, including myself. Im sure at this point they all heard enough about the poop shoot related questions that I just kept my mouth shut.
Next, out of the left side appeared some random woman who introduced herself as my additional anesthesiologist. As to which I replied in my head as "HECK YEAH she's a woman". I then said "let me know right before you are going to put me under please, this is really important." She agreed, and I continued to look around the room at all of the tools, robots, and doodads they were going to use to assist themselves during surgery.
I then proceeded to feel them strap my legs to the table, to which I naturally responded, "don't let me fall, I don't want to fall off the table and land in the poop shoot". Oh lort here we go again. To which a small voice replied, "don't worry you won't fall off, we are strapping you in so you don't". I was feeling somewhat woozy by this point, so I know they had already started the process to put me asleep. They then put an oxygen mask on my face and told me to "breathe deeply". Yeah that wasn't happening. The deeper I tried to breathe in the harder it was to breathe in general. I just kept repeating how I couldn't breathe and to take the mask off, but it seemed no-one was listening. I wasn't suffocating by any means but I just couldn't take the breaths they were hoping for. Naturally I'm used to using a CPAP mask and this dinky little thing wasn't cutting it for me. I then shook my head and said I can't breathe, and they finally took off the mask. They then said they wanted to test my lungs and had to put the mask back on. "breathe out" a voice said, and then followed up with "wow! your lungs are super strong!". Yeah and?, now you believe me when I said I couldn't breathe?😆
It was at this point the female anesthesiologist popped out of nowhere and said "ok Laurie, it's time, you ready?" while holding 6 different needles with pink caps in her hands. I then responded "its time?, it's happening?! Oh shit". I then proceeded to tell everyone to stop what they were doing and listen, about 3 time to be exact, every time louder than the last. As soon as I heard the crash of the metal tools against the metal holding trays, I heard "what's wrong Laurie?". "nothing, I just wanted to say and put this out into the universe whoever is out there listening. I'm gonna be ok. Im gonna be just fine. The doctors know what they are doing, and i'm in good hands." I began to cry, and was immediately put asleep.
All I remember at that point was dreaming, about what? No idea. William Hung and poop shoot's probably. Nevertheless, the doctors did their job, I felt nothing, and I didn't wake up until I was supposed to.... WHOO HOO!
But of corse, the story isn't over yet.
To be continued......
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