Chapter 43: Where to go from here?

 

Hey all,

Just an FYI, I thought the above meme was incredibly accurate for the next chapter of this so called sh*t show we have going on here.  I have also decided this little boy's name is Hubert.  Hubert J. Solomon to be exact. Wow, that sounds ridiculously specific, Yes I know, one of my many talents is making weird sh*t happen.  But is that really his name you ask?, as far as I know it to be true yes. But is that his actual name?, well I have no idea, but he looks like a Hubert to me so let's just go with that for now. 😂 

So let’s recap where I left off.  Since we last left the story, I spoke with my oncologist who said basically at this point, since the most recent scans showed abnormalities in my lymph nodes, they were certainly concerned that the cancer may have travelled. Which long story short, means the cancer may now be stage III and not stage I. 

FML. 🤦🏻‍♀️

So let's think, what now? what's the next step? 

Personally I had no idea, seeing as this was never a position I ever thought I would have to be in. Mind you, throughout my life, I would sometimes have random thoughts in relation to cancer. Kinda weird right? That's some super creepy foreshadowing sh*t right there. Like when I say thoughts, they were like if my doctor ever told me that I had cancer what would I say? and I would play out different scenarios in my head like a movie. But they occurred in different environments i.e. like in different doctors office settings etc. YES I KNOW! i'm weird as fu*k, but its what some find most endearing about me, I can't imagine why tho.....LOL

All in all, I think it was more or less, the "be prepared for the worst, so you won't be surprised" situation I guess. Ive kinda always been like that. Some may see it as pessimistic, however I see it as being the best damn "Girl Scout". Those who know me, know i'm not good with surprises. Now don't get me wrong I love me a surprise party! mmmm ice cream cake, I can always get down with a bouncy house and a DJ. Not to mention, I love presents! 😍  and I honestly love giving them just as much! obviously, who doesn't love getting a little something to help make them feel special and wanted? even a hug! well if thats you, and you don't like free stuff or hugs (pre pandemic obviously), well please loose my number as we are no longer friends. Weirdo.

Oh crap, I just re-read that and I swear to you I am not a superficial b*tch. I promise! But like forreal though even free stuff can make you feel special like going for a walk at ur favourite place, or a kiss on the cheek when you don't expect it, or maybe watching the sunset. But anywhoo, you get what i'm saying.🙄

Not gonna lie I totally forgot what my point was, ugh freakin h3ll.

Anyway, oh yeah........so I would often play scenarios in my head of what might happen if my doctor told me I had cancer. Mind you the way it actually went down, is not in anyway how I imagined it in my head. Lucky for me it was a "surprise" (enter sarcastic tone and epic eye roll here)🙄. See why I often don't like surprises? Not to mention i'm most definitely the most easily scared person on the planet. Truly not the thing i'm most proud of for sure. 

Nevertheless, what was next for me? seems as though I had come to a crossroads in my life. It was at this point I had just got off of the phone with my oncologist. Even before the call, I already had 2 million different things rolling around in my brain, only to add another 10 million on top of that....WTF was I going to do?!

When I was growing up, I never imagined myself having children, or getting married for that matter. I would talk to my friends and they would always say how bad they wanted to be moms and have children of their own to raise and expand their family. We would have lengthy conversations regarding dreams they would have about what age they would get married, what their husbands would look like, how many kids they would have, and their names. As for myself, I was never really like that to be honest. I never really had dreams of having my own kids. I always had difficulty envisioning it. I was never able to picture myself in the delivery room, holding my new born child. Mind you, on the flip side, I could always envision myself with a dog, maybe even 2 if I was lucky.

Even when I was 19, I remember telling people I never wanted to get married or have kids. I guess I just thought I wasn't ready for something like that. Not that it could/would actually come into fruition.  However, once I met my now husband, my entire world changed. After 6 months of us being together,  I knew immediately I wanted to marry and spend the rest of my life with him. But that wasn't the only thing that changed.  I knew deep down, I now wanted to have a family of my own. Not just for me, but also for my husband. He is by far the most amazing, kind, generous, caring, funniest person i've ever met 100%. That being said, I knew deep down in his heart how bad he wanted to be a father to help grow his legacy. We would talk about having children all the time, and all of the fun things we would do with our future kids. We had funny names for them, that of corse we would only say to each other, not wanting to actually emotionally scar our children.

Yet here we are, once again at a crossroads, where am I supposed to go from here?

All of a sudden, once again, my world was flipped upside down, and seems that the decision has been made for me. Now it all makes sense why I couldn't imagine myself with children of my own, because I would never be able to have any.......

I went around and around in my head for days. Assuming most people didn't really know what was going on at this point. No matter what at the end of the day it was my choice, as hard as really fu*king was to make. I wanted to know at the end of the day I tried my hardest be have a family and carry a child for my husband. Well you all know that as well, you've read it. However, this was different. Ive come so far and ive been through so much until this point, that all I could think was if I decided to keep going and try to get pregnant what would happen to me? The doctors were not entirely convinced the cancer was not stage III, and if it was? well I thought of it like this.......Even if I was able to be blessed enough to get pregnant right away, I wouldn't be able to do any cancer treatment while I was pregnant for risk of terminating the pregnancy. All joking aside, I was worried that I could be pregnant for 9 months, but then possibly dead in 10. Seeing how fast my lymph nodes grew in the span of 3 months.

Unfortunately, the choice was already made for me without even knowing,  I didn't have an option not to choose it. I needed to have the surgery. So I agreed to have a hysterectomy. 

FU*K.......

To be continued next Monday......