Chapter 51: Flip the script….pivot, piiiiivot, PIIIIVVOOT!

Hey all,

I know for all of us it’s been a rough few months. Well no, let’s call this sh*t how it’s actually been…… h3ll. The past going on 3 years have been outright h3ll. I’m sure just like the rest of you I’m emotionally, spiritually, physically downright exhausted. 

However I feel as though today, seems I’ve had an epiphany. Or I’ve just reached my bullsh*t tolerance level. Nevertheless, it’s time to change some sh*t. 

Personally speaking I can’t even say it’s been a “rut” for the past few months. With all that has been happening between the cancer, hysterectomy, medication changes, hormonal imbalances, severe depression, PTSD realizations, and trying to “matrix” my way through this COVID minefield that is out all our front doors. It’s a miracle how I’ve even managed to get out of bed everyday. If I’m truly honest…..I’m just fu*cking over it, yes all of it. 😒🤦🏻‍♀️

Where is the joy, happiness, and the wanting to get up every morning?!

Through all of this, I’ve learned so much about myself and how much of a goal oriented person I am. I need purpose, that drive to get to the end of whatever sh*t filled diarrhea stained toilet 💩🚽 I seem to have been spiralling down. There has to be an end goal in all of this……you would think anyway. For so long it was to carry a child and have a family of my own. That’s clearly not going to happen now. So I need to now gather my sh*t, brush of all this garbage from my brand new “boss b*tch” suit and move on. 

So what does that look like?……🤨

Fu*ked if I know. But I’m willing to take a shot at it….🤷🏻‍♀️

Well friends, that’s a really good question. I’m not really sure either what exactly it’s going to look like, but I guess I’ll take a stab at it.  Like some machete wielding psychopath  with a “god” complex and a film career. Yeah “Jason” we get it already, you look tired and you need a bath.  💩👃🤢

For those of you who have the joy of knowing me personally, and of corse I use the term joy very loosely here. Know that there is nothing more that I want in this life right now than to have a dog of my own. Ironically enough, when I was younger, and would think about what my life might look like when I get older, as one does. FYI, we all know "growing older is mandatory, and growing up is optional" as clearly proven to be factual by 99.9% of the guys i've dated in my past.😒😣🤦 I never was able to picture myself with my own children. It was always me having dogs, no babies, foreshadowing I guess.

Seemed all of a sudden I woke up last week and came to this life changing realization of how Im going to make this happen. Unfortunately, at this point where my husband and I are living, we are not able to have dogs or cats. Extremely sad I know. Not to mention seeing how the housing market is not getting better anytime soon.....we may be here for a bit longer. Mind you, in the meantime why not do some work on myself, become a better me in the long run. Not just for my husband and friends, but for myself as well.

Being the goal driven person that I am, I knew that was where I needed to start. How do I get back on track?, How do I push this, what feels like to be a million pound boulder forward? small baby steps of corse. I want to be healthy, I want to be here for my husband in 40 years from now. So why not do the best that I can to make that happen. Realistically, I still have well over 100 lbs to loose. Well, get rid of is more like it. If I say loose its insinuating that i've lost them and I have intention in finding it back again, which I definitely do not. SO, my new goal is to drop 100 pounds, at which point I will get a dog. Seeing as in order to get a dog we will have to move to a place which permits animals, and we just signed another year lease, kinda works out perfectly if you ask me.

Yes I know a 100 pounds is a lot. I am aware of this, i've already done it. However, full disclosure, with everything that has gone on, including my hysterectomy surgery that happened a year ago next month actually. Not to mention not being able to exercise because of the surgery, and the severe depression that came after it, full disclosure i've gained back 35 pounds of the 100 I lost. Yep I said it, it happened. I can hear you yelling "NOOOOO!!" in front of your computer/phone as you read this. But no fret or fail here, just a bump in the road of my journey, h3ll, a speed bump if you will. Well more like, a giant pothole or sink hole is more like it, in the road of my life. Nevertheless, it happened, i've acknowledged it, and we move on. Onward and downward as I say.😊

Since this new "revelation" i've come to over the past week or so. I have dropped over 4 lbs last week, so happy to say it's already in progress. Onward and downward. As much as this post started as a bi*ching session, which clearly it was at first. I am happy to say I leave it on a happy note this week. As the words come out of my fingers into this blog, I sit with a smile on my face, and optimism in my heart that I can and will do this. If not for me, then my husband and for the dog I want so desperately of my own to love.

Until next time friends.