Chapter 45: Second Oncologist Call

 

Hey all,

Sorry for the delay, as you can imagine I needed a break….. There has certainly been a lot of change in my life just over the past 2-3 weeks. Well, more like the past 2-4 years if I’m completely transparent.

So this weeks topic has brought us to a pretty interesting conversation to say the least. I feel at this point all of this is fairly repetitive, at least from my end anyway. However I guess its good because then it helps get it out and not only raise awareness but also help my heart to heal through all of this.

As we arrive closer to what seems to be the "climax" of this whole situation, at what seems to be the pace of a high speed car chase, or maybe a more accurate depiction would be the movie Speed. Yes I mean the one with Sandra Bullock, Keanu Reaves, Dennis Hopper, and of corse the star of the show the bus. Truly felt as though everything was going just that fast with no ability to pump the breaks at any moment. At least that bus was lucky it couldn't go below 50 Mph (80 Km/h), when my cancer filled sarcastic self  was lucky if I got to below 100 Mph (160 Km/h) on a "good day". I cannot help but be forced to take a step back and recollect myself. So weird, even though i'm able to finally write about it now, still seems like it was yesterday that all this was still happening. Looking like we cannot rule out PTSD yet.....

So despite telling Dr. F I have decided to have the hysterectomy at this point, she had already booked me a second PET scan, before telling her my decision. Seeing as it was at this point it seemed to me as though the road was quickly dwindling and the impending surgery "cliff" was coming closer and closer as days went on. So having completed the second PET scan, it once again was a waiting game of what the results might show. Did it really matter at this point? not really if i'm completely honest, at this point my mind had already been made up for me by whatever Devine spiritual entity you confide in or pray to.

After what seemed to be an eternity, I finally got a call from Dr F with the PET scan results. As always it was nice to hear her voice, despite the purpose behind it. One of the things I really liked about Dr. F was how she got to the point, not beating around the bush, just rip that band aid right off. Could have been because of all the patients she has, nevertheless I respect it.

Unfortunately, the Second scan told us about as much as the first one. The lymph nodes were still abnormal size and shape, as well as my endometrial lining lit up once again like the northern lights. Dr F then asked me if I still wanted to have the hysterectomy. I of corse said yes, it was at this point I really just wanted to get this over with. We still didn't have anymore clarity than before as to which stage it might actually be, I or III. Mentally I was already on the table ready to be cut open in my mind, anxiously awaiting for my healing to begin not just physically and mentally as well. Little did I know though that mental healing wouldn't even begin until well after all of this was "over".

The good news was however the lymph nodes still did not show any "uptake". By that I mean they did not light up, so in theory, the cancer was not in there. However, I couldn't help but lean towards still having the surgery. Primarily based on the fact that there as still so much unknown. Despite the results showing of no uptake in the lymph nodes, Dr F did mention the increased size and shape in just the past few months was certainly very concerning even on a good day.

So I came this far, went through this much, did I really want to drag out the inevitable? meh not really. As I mentioned before, I never saw myself dying from this. Really, I felt that deep down in my gut. However, I also felt as though at this point, if we continued on with whatever tests or other bulls*t we could come up with to prolong the eventual next step, fait may begin to take it personal and decide to pull the plug on this whole thing just for spite, if you know what I mean.

I can honestly say I was at the point where I was mentally, physically, and emotionally drained and I just couldn't do it anymore. Honestly, even if I wanted to.

I think if anything I just needed to give myself time to reach the level of acceptance needed to move forward in all this. Here it was, I had arrived.

Next step? 

Complete the in person surgical paperwork.......

See you next Monday friends, but until then, enjoy below ;)