Chapter 50: Dear fertility doctor.....

An open letter to all Fertility doctors…...

Dearest Mr./Mrs. Fertility Doctor,

So this is certainly somewhat unconventional. I know you don’t know me, and yeah I get it, this is weird I’m writing you a letter. Mind you I figured this would be a good idea to help you understand me before we meet for the first time.

I’m not exactly sure where to start as so many thoughts are rushing through my head, but I will certainly try my best. Thank you so much for taking the time to meet with me, I hope this will be a good match for both of us. I’m sure as you can imagine this is not anything I thought would ever happen to me. I’m not sure why I was so lucky to win this prize, but here we are.

When you first meet me, I’m not exactly sure how I will react, given the nature of the situation. I’m usually fairly outspoken, social, and love to laugh.  However, most likely I’ll be very shy and timid, while eagerly seeking your reassurance that I am in good hands. I feel like I have done all of the research I could have done up until this point. Although I have not really ever been sure of what I was actually supposed to be looking for. So many companies I have looked at and deeply researched. At the end of the day I feel although I have done as much in depth research as I could have. Mind you, at this point its kind of like shooting fish in a barrel really, as every company is seemingly providing this false sense of euphoria and hope that only they would be able to provide the family i've always hoped and prayed for.

I can honestly say, once again, this is not ever a position I saw myself in. Seeing as almost everyone in my family and my husband’s has children, but here we are. I feel scared however, scared of whatever hoops I will need to go through to arrive at the goal of a family of our own. Not to mention the medications I may have to take to make this all happen for us.  This is not something anyone has ever talked to me about, let alone described what to expect in detail. Seeing as it seems my husband and I are the only people I know who cannot seem to get pregnant. Hopefully you will have the compassion and understanding to explain the process to me slowly, in a way not only I am able to follow, and also understand.

It seems as though when it comes to infertility there is this silent struggle/stigma that comes along with it. Be it embarassment, frusteration,  or fear of the unknnown. Nevertheless, this is something not only do I not know anything about. It is also something I know has already changed, dare I say completely uprooted, my entire life in so many ways. Even if I wanted to ask for help and support, I would not even know where to start or how to accept it. But please know, even though we may not say it out loud, it is both something my husband I need deeply.

So, despite the consistent self deprecating thoughts that have running through my head on a repetitive rotation. I do have a small morsel of hope that I will be able to leave your clinic eventually with more than just myself and my husband. I’m sure you get this all the time, people regurgitating their verbal diarreah at you about how they have forever always dreamed of being parents and that you are the super human, dare I say superhero, they have come to see to make it happen. No God complete here I hope.........I’ll try my best to save us both the conversation and various awkward looks and pauses, and let you get right to the point.

In my 35 years of life, Ive been through many experiences. Some good, some great, and some well.....I definitely ended up learning the hard way. However, of all the experiences I have lived though, not once did I ever feel as vulnerable, and h3ll embarrassed as I do now. I never could understand how some women can just have a flirty look from someone and pop out a child, those lucky "fertile Myrtle" types. Yet here we are trying for years and seems the only gift my husband and I keep getting is my monthly period. Gift? hmm....guess it depends on who you ask.

Ive tried my best to stay as hopeful as I could, but I cannot help but feel nothing but lost. Not to mention confused, and h3ll down right attacked and violated by my own body. I certainly do not have choice in this matter. Seeing as if I did I wouldn't have to meet you, and we would already have a beautiful bundle, with possibly another one on the way. But that is not in the cards for us, yet.

As soon as I walk in our meeting, I try my best not to assume what is going though your head as you look at me. Already coming to your own conclusions as to what my infertility is caused by.  Mind you what has come out of your mouth so far has proven my thoughts to unfortunately be correct. But ive already dropped 60 pounds, ive worked so hard and yet still not good enough? If im totally honest, im not sure why the weight/fertility equation hasn't seemed to add up for me.....There has been women my size if not larger that have been able to have children.  Why has the line been drawn at me? not to mention why are you telling me I have to bariatric surgery in order to be able to work with you?!? I do understand where you are coming from, however that cannot be the only option.  Yet you are making it sound that way.  It seems as though, as soon as I walked in this office, I relinquished all of my rights, thoughts, and beliefs.  All I am allowed to have left is belief in you that the only way I can be fixed is following everything you say word for word, including surgery.

In my eyes, I am no longer the "norm". I am a broken woman, begging, dare I say pleading for someone to fix her. Please be kind, patient, sympathetic, validating, and understanding.  I am a human being with a heart, feelings, and a soul.  This by far is one of the lowest, if not the lowest parts of my life. 

I understand you may not be able to fix me, or fully put me back together. But I do still have trust and hope that you will be respectful while you try.

Sincerely,

A patient.