Choosing Joy

*NOTE*:  this is not me specifically, but more or less a representation of me trying to get through this cancer garbage while in a pandemic. Hey all, So as I mentioned in the past post, I am very much in the "thick of it now" at this point in the story, clearly. FML. 🤦🏻‍♀️ As you can imagine, my head is in any given place other than where it should be at this point. If im completely honest, as tough as it was to work throughout the pandemic, it was truly a blessing at the same time. Mind you, I could say the same thing about working during this whole cancer situation. I know most people might not continue to work during  a "cancer situation" like this . However, for me, I am certainly not like most people, and I in fact welcomed it. As a self proclaimed "workaholic" it really was the best thing for me to basically submerge, dare I say drown, myself in my work head first.  Well now that I think about it, what might that even look like anyway?  of corse we...

  Hey all, Just an FYI, I thought the above meme was incredibly accurate for the next chapter of this so called sh*t show we have going on here.  I have also decided this little boy's name is Hubert.  Hubert J. Solomon to be exact. Wow, that sounds ridiculously specific, Yes I know, one of my many talents is making weird sh*t happen.  But is that really his name you ask?, as far as I know it to be true yes. But is that his actual name?, well I have no idea, but he looks like a Hubert to me so let's just go with that for now. 😂  So let’s recap where I left off.  Since we last left the story, I spoke with my oncologist who said basically at this point, since the most recent scans showed abnormalities in my lymph nodes, they were certainly concerned that the cancer may have travelled. Which long story short, means the cancer may now be stage III and not stage I.  FML. 🤦🏻‍♀️ So let's think, what now? what's the next step?  Personally I had no idea,...

                                                              Thoughts. For years I thought that vulnerability was simply a word that people used to express thoughts and feelings to other people, never myself. Just the thought of being vulnerable was completely sickening to me. To the point where I would rather make myself violently ill, just to avoid it. When it came to anyone else being vulnerable  with me at all,  naturally, I would automatically welcome them.  While continuously supporting, and embracing them all with open arms. No questions asked, just my personality. But why?, why is this concept such a taboo topic for me personally? If I say part of it wasn't because of my upbringing, i'd be lying to you... Despite the constant internal struggles within myself. Seemed that the hard fought demanding road of streng...

Welcome back all, So this post is, I believe anyway, one of the more “intriguing” ones I would have to say. I’m not sure if I previously mentioned but the Megace, progesterone medication, I was on the past few months did it’s job overall. However, not without some unfortunate side effects that went along with it. For those of you who have been on this medication, well you know what i'm talking about. For those of you who have not, well let me try to break it down for you. I did mention in a previous post about this super intense medication, but I will certainly try my best to explain again. So the medication called Megace is often prescribed to women who have been diagnosed with breast cancer. Mind you, I was not obviously, but clearly I wasn't too far off. Seeing as I was still in the "cancer family" unfortunately. So this medication formally known as Magestol Acetate, is certainly not a medication to be taken lightly by any means, seeing as what it can do to the hum...

 Hi all, So in the last post, it outlined a very tumultuous few days after the conversation I had with my oncologist. Naturally my mind was everywhere and anywhere other than where it should actually be. I’m sure your mind would be all over the place too if your doctor told you there is a fairly probable possibility that your cancer was longer have stage I. There’s a good chance it’s now stage III. Sh*t!….. for the past few months I was on fight mode, as that was what seemed so natural to me. "Im gonna be fine, im gonna be ok, ill get through this and come out on top!" I would regularly tell myself. Despite anytime I would have to go downtown for a oncologist appointment, I would have regular mental breakdowns/crying fits in my car. Im sure it made for great entertainment for the other drivers on the DVP highway. However, by some divine intervention, it’s gone. Whats gone you ask? my fight, Up and left, and the fu*ker didn’t even say bye. 🤨 Rude. Not surprising….. if it’s an...

Hey all, So last week's post was pretty rough as i'm sure you all have read. To best honest I don't really feel that I have truly done it justice. Im not sure how all of you interpreted it, but from my side it ended early. Not to mention abruptly. There was actually more that happened, but I just couldn't bring myself to keep writing. So I stopped. I would never wish this upon anyone, especially myself. For whatever reason I was given this. I often ask myself why, why did this happen to me? Why did I win the cancer lottery? Which in fact is not a win at all. It's a damn fucking life sentence. No-one is ever really "cured" of cancer, and anyone who has or had it would understand. Pending the type of cancer you have, depicts the surgery you have to hopefully physically remove the bullsh*t that decided to invade your physical being. For me that happened to be my entire reproductive system. However, anyone who has had or has cancer knows, once the surgery happ...

  Hey all, So in the last post, we ended off at the follow up MRI and CT scans. All in all I certainly was very hopeful that things would work out in my favour, seeing how the past few months have gone thus far. I really just felt as if I needed a “win” right now even if it was a small one. Following the scans, I did read the results online on my electronic chart. As we all know, in no way am I a doctor, mind you if I was, that would make this part just that much easier. Even if I was a doctor, I wonder what my specialty would be. Hmmm, let’s see, I’m good in emergency situations so maybe something cool like a trauma surgeon or an ER doctor. I figure on the brighter side, at least no days will be the same and it’s always something to keep you on your toes like a pro boxer. I can guarantee you in no way would I want to be an ear doctor, podiatrist, or a gastroenterologist. 🤢🤮 Mind you, I’m always down for a good poop conversation. It’s the only way you know if what’s coming out is...

HEY ALL! Good morning to you. Its bright and early Sunday morning as I write this, about 8:30 am the clock says. To be completely honest its really too damn early for anyone to actually be awake on a Sunday morning, even if you are going to church. Yes I know its  the Lort's day, but I think on a Sunday, no-one should have to get up before 10 am or later, at least, and the day should not have to actually start until 12 pm. Well for the sake of everyone's mental health y'know, just sayin' lol. So I thought for my own mental health, I would switch up this week's post. Seeing as im trying to use this blog as a self healing tool, Im trying to go at a pace where im not just able to get my story out to all of you and raise awareness. But also lick and heal my own wounds as well, like a little kitty. Or in my case a big fat cat. Yeah, I clearly couldn't help myself.....But I can relate all too well to all of these pictures at some point in my life. Some of them more re...

Well, this seems all too familiar to be honest. It seems the MRI's and CT's are always lumped together. I guess because they are so similar in their results, and how they show the body that it just makes them easy to compare I guess. But h3ll, what do I know i'm not a doctor let alone an oncologist. Im happy to say that looking back at last weeks post, that I had a pretty good MRI, the second time. For those of you who are not familiar with the Hospital layout, the CT and MRI area's at PMH are in the same section, despite being on opposite ends of the hall from each other.  Lucky for me the staff that were there the first MRI, were not there the second time, so smooth sailing. However, seems though going back for my follow up CT, I was not so lucky as the MRI. Here we go, it was only a few days later after the follow up MRI that I had to head back downtown to the hospital for my follow up CT. A journey now, that seemed all too familiar by this point. Naturally, after th...

 So here we are, January 2021. The holidays 🎄🎅🏾🤶🏻were a blast, well as much as they could be given a world wide pandemic and no-one able to actually see their families, who don't live with them. Surprisingly enough, life just kept going on, and I remained busy as usual. That being said before I knew it, the "other side" of my life seemed to kick back up into gear and the tests began to resume once again.  This may seem borderline impossible, but over the holidays and the past 3 months, I completely "forgot" I had cancer. 🤔As mentioned before, I guess maybe because of the stage that its at or maybe also the type of cancer I have,  I genuinely believe I don't feel "sick". On the contrary, I 100% have cancer, but I never really ever felt I did. It was only when I have to do tests or go to hospital to see my oncologist is when the reality begins to kick in again of what is really happening in my life.🤷🏻‍♀️ I was certainly hopeful that the IUD h...

So this post isn't really anything other than im happy im not dead WHOO HOO!! Sooooooo, July 13th is my cancerversary, and I say let’s throw a friggin party! Balloons 🎈, streamers, icecream cake 🎂, Jell-O shots 🥛, an animal I can take for a walk maybe an hella bougie a$$ elephant named Gloria🐘 that only eats black watermelon covered in shaved white truffles, sparklers 🧨 (or bombs apparently according to my IPhone emojis, that’s legit what came up when I typed sparkler🤣), and of corse a 1.5 hour firework display executed at a location of my choosing, maybe a Muskoka lakeside mansion. Oh and of corse let’s not forget Pitbull must preform. That man sure knows how to throw a soirée. While we are at it, why not have Martha Stewart decorate and Mark McEwan cater. 😋😏 Some may feel this is a really weird thing to celebrate or be happy about…. Well first of all, have you met me? Or read this blog? Get it together people, this behavior is nothing new. You should all know this by now....

Hey all, Naturally one would assume that after having the IUD inserted, and I wasn’t supposed to see the oncologist again for 3 months, aka January 2021. That nothing would really happen, and it was going to be just a waiting game correct? Well, no. Of corse not! That would be too easy. 🤨 As naturally expected, I continued to bleed, which was basically my normal by this point. Truly now I’m starting to feel like one of those lake sprinklers, you know what I’m talking about? The ones you normally see in park lakes or ponds that shoot water into the air nonstop. However, seems the difference here was instead of  a park, my body was trying to make its own damn lake on anything and everything it could get it’s bloody hands on. Pun intended. ⛲️💦 They apparently say, “if you build it, they will come”. Well whoever “they” seem to be, are obviously not familiar with MY reproductive system and how it feels the need to say “fu*k it”, to the world (and the owner especially) on a regular bas...