Chapter 37: "Accentuate the positive"

HEY ALL!

Good morning to you. Its bright and early Sunday morning as I write this, about 8:30 am the clock says. To be completely honest its really too damn early for anyone to actually be awake on a Sunday morning, even if you are going to church. Yes I know its  the Lort's day, but I think on a Sunday, no-one should have to get up before 10 am or later, at least, and the day should not have to actually start until 12 pm. Well for the sake of everyone's mental health y'know, just sayin' lol.

So I thought for my own mental health, I would switch up this week's post. Seeing as im trying to use this blog as a self healing tool, Im trying to go at a pace where im not just able to get my story out to all of you and raise awareness. But also lick and heal my own wounds as well, like a little kitty. Or in my case a big fat cat.

Yeah, I clearly couldn't help myself.....But I can relate all too well to all of these pictures at some point in my life. Some of them more recently then others lol.

Ok so where was I? Oh yeah, accentuating the positive. So seeing as I have lived this epic saga I am writing about personally, I know what is about to happen next, and well, its pretty intense. Even for the most independent, strong, and emotionally secure persons out there. Its' just too much. Not to mention its gonna be a pretty rough week behind the scenes. So I decided to give myself a little bit of self care and remind myself of 9 positive things that have happened, or have been going on lately. With my own little spin on it of corse.

1. As most of you know, or have read up until this point, I have been on a epic weightless journey. So far I have lost 100 pounds, and counting. All in all as tragic and horrific this whole pandemic has been, it has really and truly been a blessing in disguise for myself. Over the past year of so, working from home has allowed me to have more time to make healthier meals but also exercise. As in previous posts, I mentioned I have been working out at home though out the entire pandemic. In fact 3 days a week, i've been doing online workouts and yoga to combat the fact of how flat my a$$ was getting from sitting on it all day. No bueno people, no bueno at all. I refuse to have a pancake a$$! I'll do almost anything to keep it, well thats free of corse. Im not trying to be Kim Kardashian here, maybe more of an Ashley Graham, is totally fine for me. ANYWAY.....So the beginning of this year, due to situations beyond my control, I was not able to exercise. In fact I wasn't able to do much of anything really, for at least a month. However, seeing as it has been about 5-6 months since then, I am truly excited to say I am back to exercising!! Watch out Mark Wahlberg, I'm comin' through. That being said I am not necessarily able to workout 3 days a week every week but it does feel great to get back to some level of normalcy again. Well the "new normal" anyway.

2. The second thing that I am grateful for is just being back at work. I was certainly blessed to be able to continue to work though out the entire pandemic, however I did primarily work from home. Im not gonna lie, it was SUPER nice to start back being onsite with my other coworkers and clients. It was certainly nice to see people in person again and not just over a computer screen. Mind you, if i'm completely honest, I do miss not having to put on socks or even pants on a daily basis. Be honest, we all know someone in the zoom meeting is either pants less or in their pjs during the meeting. If you don't? chances are it you.

3. Naturally being back at work onsite means also being more physically active. Which is certainly not a bad thing at all seeing as it would go hand and hand with my weight loss journey. Mind you it was certainly a wakeup call being back onsite seeing as I was primarily sitting on my a$$ for about a year and a half. Surprised myself, that I even have an a$$ left to sit on seeing how flat it is from sitting so much lol. I find it so interesting how big booty's are such a thing nowadays. Like women go out of their way to get fat from their stomach injected into their butts. Yeah I know, this is so weird, but a "Brazilian butt lift" is a real thing. Mind you its not a bad idea though if you really think about it. You can go ahead and eat as much burgers, ice cream, fries, and cookies as you want and one trip to the doctor and poof! it's gone and you leave looking like Kim K.  Cant say thats something I would do though, personally i'm lucky enough to not be at the point yet where my a$$ has completely divorced me. Wait, dammmit! I forgot what I was even talking about. Ugh.....OH YEAH! so moving around more at work has really been helping me stay active. In fact, i've actually found myself getting antsy if it sit too long! I then get up and do a few laps of the room with a client or another task. I can honestly say that is something I haven't felt in a very very very long time, if at all, and it feels not only really awesome but empowering!

4. Someone who has always brought me joy without fail is my husband. I cannot say enough great things about him, and he truly is the most amazing person I have ever have been blessed to meet. Not that i'm biased at all, truly. Honestly i'm sure you all don't want to hear a sob fest about how amazing he is, well cuz he is. But he truly has been such a light in my life through some of the most darkest days. Especially lately.

5. Now, I know my husband is by far my #1 in my life. However, I do have to be completely honest there is another who has stolen the rest of my heart. He has given me so much joy in times where it was so hard to even function, let alone get out of bed in the morning. I know this seems extreme, but it is 100% true. What most of you don't know, but can surely imagine, I have always struggled with depression and anxiety. For the most part however, my doctor prescribed medication has been helping to keep this "at bay". However, due to recent events in the past 6 months my life has seem to have taken a very deep downward spiral and well....I can honestly say I never really understood how bad depression can effect a person in terms of daily functioning, mental wellness etc. But now I completely get it, and it's terrifying. This is never a place I imagined I would have myself ever in my life, let alone at only 36 years old. But with him my life and heart is so full I could explode. I cannot help but smile and laugh with love and joy. When I'm with him, I forget what ive been through over the past year and it no longer matters. When he looks at me  with a smile its like my soul sings with the loudest joy and praise anyone could ever feel.  I can't help but want to be with him always. You only came into this world 7 months ago, but I feel like ive known and loved you a thousand lifetimes already before. My dearest nephew EJ. You have not only been such a blessing to your amazingly wonderful parents. But you have also been a blessing and a saving grace to myself as well. I love you more than you will ever know or begin to understand. Thank you so much for what you have done for me and my life, wether you will ever know it or not.

6. Well, where to go from there? kinda hard to surpass that one I must say, but i'll try.  I know how lucky I am. Naturally as we go through life, we come across people here and there. Some come and leave right away, while others may come and stay a while longer. Like how the saying goes, people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. There are those who are so special that even when tragedy strikes they are the first ones you want to reach out to for comfort.  Like I said I know how lucky I am to be so truly blessed to have such amazing people around me. I don't even want to call them friends as that would be doing a disservice to them. They are and will forever be my family. I hope you know who you are. If not, well you need to get your sh*t together and get with the program! lol Come h3ll or high-water, I would do literally anything for these chosen few. Well except anything illegal, i'm not trying to loose my job, just saying. But I will cut your grass, or drive you to the airport if you needed it! You guys have been my rocks, boulders, h3ll even mountains to lean on and keep me grounded. There is no way in the world I could ever be able to repay any of you. But what I can promise you is that I will certainly spend the rest of my life trying.

7. 90 day fiancé. Need I say more? this show is friggin' gold!

8. I recently went and did some retail therapy, as one often does when they have gift cards and no more room left in their closet lol. Seeing as I have been on this weightless journey for some time now,  I am always surprised when I go to the store about which section to look in. As mentioned, i've been plus size most, if not, my entire life. Well Ive never really liked buying clothes, it was more of a chore for me than anything. I hated it to be honest. I would go into the change room, pre covid of corse, with basically a garbage dumpster  size mound of clothes to try on and walk out with 1 maybe 2 items if im lucky that didn't make me look like a gigantic hippo with a tutu on. You know the one from fantasia, hyacinth the hippo is her name and she wears a pink tutu and ballerina slippers. Yep thats me. Lort forbid I would try on a dress! there I would be a huge hog at a Hawaiian luau with a grass skirt and a coconut bra on. Oh, and let's not forget the red apple in my mouth for  that added flair and pizzaz. Anyway, I recently went to Old Navy and got some clothes on sale to "work towards" getting into. Well surprising enough to me, I went home, tried on the XL size pants and the bast*rds fit, holy s*t. SCORE! Not bad going from a 5x to an XL.

9. Ive always wanted to play an instrument. When I was younger, I took piano lessons.  If i'm completely honest, never really liked it. It just felt like work and I wouldn't really ever practise till like the night before and then get in trouble from my teacher for not doing the work. Really it was just a ferris wheel ride I couldn't wait to get off of. Especially since I actually hate heights, really. I don't even like standing on a ladder, that makes me h3lla nervous. Anyway, so I always wanted to learn to play the guitar. I just felt it in my soul. But there was one problem, I have the shortest stubbiest fingers known to man. my hands look like someone took canned pineapple rings and stuck little cocktail weenies to it to make a hand. Embarrassing, so so embarrassing. but what was I to do, with a heart of a lion and the stubbornness of an ox, I refused to give up.  Long story short, I never did learn how to play the guitar, but I did teach myself how to play the ukulele. Which I love to do. So over the past few years I have not been able to play my use at work do to the change in my position, and thats ok. I really loved what I was doing and miss it terribly. But now as I am back onsite, i'm now back to playing my uke again. yay.

Oops ok, so I lied. I don't have 9, I have 10 positive things lol. 

10. I cannot believe I almost forgot this one! it's kinda like a bitter sweet one. About 2-3 weeks ago I got a call from Dr. J. Which mind you I am always happy and excited to hear here voice of corse. Due to the nature of my current situation, which will be elaborated on in later posts, as sad as I am to type, I am no longer a patient of hers. Not the fault of anyone obviously, well except my daemonic uterus of corse. Evil ba*tard. ANYHOO....So we got to talking, as I normally do, and I told her about my little blog here. Of corse I told her I write about her, its only fair seeing as i'm writing about her, and how much of a superhero she is and how every doctor needs to be just like her. Yeah I said it,  get your sh*t together and TAKE NOTES PEOPLE! She then said she would certainly take a look and read it. Yay, hope she likes it! I was also able to chat with her receptionist  whom I ADORE! LOVE YOU GIRL! and turns out Dr. J told her about it as well. So if either of you are reading this I hope you both like it and continue to get a laugh out of it, and I miss you both!

Before I go, I HAD TO share the below memes as they were too funny to not put in here. Enjoy......

R.I.P Grumpy cat.

Till next Monday friends!