Chapter 33: Wait..... I have to eat WHAT!?!

Hey all,

Naturally one would assume that after having the IUD inserted, and I wasn’t supposed to see the oncologist again for 3 months, aka January 2021. That nothing would really happen, and it was going to be just a waiting game correct? Well, no. Of corse not! That would be too easy. 🤨

As naturally expected, I continued to bleed, which was basically my normal by this point. Truly now I’m starting to feel like one of those lake sprinklers, you know what I’m talking about? The ones you normally see in park lakes or ponds that shoot water into the air nonstop. However, seems the difference here was instead of  a park, my body was trying to make its own damn lake on anything and everything it could get it’s bloody hands on. Pun intended. ⛲️💦 They apparently say, “if you build it, they will come”. Well whoever “they” seem to be, are obviously not familiar with MY reproductive system and how it feels the need to say “fu*k it”, to the world (and the owner especially) on a regular basis. While refusing to wait for anyone and make its own damn path, pond, lake, h3ll ocean even; wether sh*t is “built” or not.🙄😒

But I digress.

So as ive mentioned before, ive never used an IUD before so I never really knew what to expect. However I couldn't help but feeling what was actually happening to me couldn't have been "normal". I guess I figured the bleeding would happen since the endometrium was shedding and it needed to come out. But what was this pain? it wasn't necessarily new but definitely more predominant. Hmmm.....🤔 Lets see, how can I best describe it in my "Laurie way".... it was like the evil clown doll from the Saw movies 🤡 decided to take  a parring knife to my vagina and carve out the most intricate jack o' lantern design that would even make master pumpkin carver Ray Villafane stand in a round of applause. 🔪🩸🎃 Feel free to google him, I did lol, he's pretty awesome. But forreal, like c'mon bro, will I ever catch a break?!🤨 not seeming to be likely.

Seemed as though the cramping was fairly steady, was this normal? did I have a UTI? I have no figging idea...I started to do what I often do in situations like these, drink copious amounts of cranberry juice 🧃, and ask every woman I know if they have ever had an IUD and what was their experience. Let me tell you, I did get a plethora of interesting stories which i'm sure I could write a whole separate blog on. However seemed none of them correlated to my situation. There I was once again on a desert island🌴🌴, in a hut, by myself with nothing but my own thoughts and maybe a slice of Hawaiian pizza to keep me company for good measure. Side note, don't judge me, but the best thing in the world and a MUST TRY is Hawaiian pizza with franks hot sauce, fresh cut dill, and dill dipping sauce. SO GOOD!🍕

 All in all things just didn't seem to be adding up. The pain was fairly consistent, dare I say, borderline constant with very small bouts of relief. When the relief did come for a day or so, the following few days seem to make up for the day I was "lucky enough to miss". 🤦🏻‍♀️ FML

Since I seem to be putting everything out there, why stop here🤷🏻‍♀️ So along with the cramping in the front, the “back” seemed to be feeling left out, so away it went to join the symphony of pain already in progress ,😖 with the giant symbals of a grand finale, “conductor my good man, cue the constipation!” 🎼 let me tell you, it didn’t disappoint.😰

By now I was well over it. This CANNOT be happening to me daily for the next 3 months. What kind of sadistic bullsh*t is this. I refuse to go out like this, I have fu*king cancer for Lort sakes. There has to be an end to this somehow, so away I went on a mission, a mission of knowledge and answers. 🏃🏻‍♀️💨 I just picture myself in one of those movie montages where the person treks for miles and miles through the hot as h3ll Saharan dessert🏜, snowstorm in the Artic🥶, and dodging wild panthers in the jungle🐆, to end up at some isolated hut in Indonesia 🛖 to talk to some elderly man who is about 342 years old just to hear the answers they have known all along…… “eat more fiber”. 🤣 Just kidding, no way I could do that, we are in a global pandemic. No one is allowed to pass their front lawn let alone the Canadian boarder. 🚷Seriously though, I needed to figure out something to get me through this. So I called my GP and made an appointment asap.

So, as previously mentioned, my GP is not only hilarious, he really is the coolest. Primarily for the fact that he puts up with me and my nonsense. After I finished giving him h3ll for not making the pasta crockpot recipe I sent him,😐 rude. I began talking about the slew of other sh*t I had wrong with me, of corse IBS/constipation being one of them. He then proceeded to recommend me trying the Fodmap diet. For those of you who are familiar with this diet will most likely agree what bulls*t this diet actually is. Fort those of you who have not heard of it, I have added a picture below for a general idea of what this diet actually consists of. 

Enter eye roll here.....🤨🙄

To be completely honest with all of you, as soon as I saw to not eat any onion, garlic, or ICE CREAM!?!  I immediately yelled "not today satan👺, not ever!" while slamming my laptop closed. Personally I could never live without onions or garlic. Don't even get me started on ice cream. I refuse to live the bland life of an uncooked potato. Even French fries have oil and salt for flavour.🍟

However, I did notice that there was mentions of eating gluten-free bread/cereal. Seeing as I refused to give up anything that actually has flavour and can add joy to my life, I decided to give that a try. Well hot damn! seems we have a winner! Turns out I have a gluten sensitivity....well ain't that some sh*t, karma for sure.🤯 About 4-5 days or so after eating a gluten-free diet right away I started to feel better overall. I began to have much more energy, I no longer felt swollen or bloated throughout my whole body, the cramping was nearly gone, and my bowels were back to normal and in fact giving my toilet a run for its money. Who would have thunk it?

I wouldn't necessarily suggest this  to anyone a form of "fad diet", but eating gluten-free really helped me get over that 75 pound lull I was having. I was able to drop another 20 pounds and eventually reach 100 pounds lost. 🎉 Going forward this change in my food consumption has really helped my life and health for the better. I am now able to be one of those people who feel the need to tell everyone they are gluten-free. Oh the irony!😆

To certainly be continued,

Until next Monday!