Choosing Joy

  So I know up to this point, this blog has primarily been about my journey with my fertility issues and cancer. For those of you who have been following along we are at post #8 now?, WOW!  However, I feel as though I would be doing myself a disservice if I did not talk about my weight loss journey as well. For most of you who do know me personally, you know I have been obese most, if not my entire life. Not chunky, curvy, fluffy, pudgy, husky, or fat.  At this point, let's call a spade a spade people.  I'm obese, it is what it is, and I'm owning it.💪 Naturally, people who are not in this situation may not realize its not as simple as "well tell her fat ass to get on a treadmill and stop eating cake".  For the record, I DO NOT like cake. Ice cream is my vice thank you very much.🍦🤤  Not to make excuses for myself or anyone else, but most likely if someone is the same size as I was, there's A LOT more going on being the scenes than just a love of fried foo...

  I feel like this picture depicts my whole life. Well except for Gary, the peeing biker. That man is in a league of his own 😆 So heads up this post is about mensuration. Incase you don't know what that is, it's a woman period, if you're someone with a weak stomach when it comes to female anatomy, like some men I know, well... goodnight and God bless....✌ Please note, I have no intention of holding anything back. Which is basically what I've done with this blog so far. Awareness is important and these are conversations we NEED to have as women. Holding back due to embarrassment or the fear of it being "taboo" isn't helping any of us. Now that I've separated the weak-stomached from the rest of us I shall continue....😆 So, i'm fairly certain most of you know how a woman's mensuration cycle works.  If not, here's the cliff notes version. A woman's period (in theory) should occur monthly. It's at this point where the old lining of the...

                                               So at this point, after all that had happened I was very much ready to move on.  For so many reasons. Luckily, my GP referred me to another fertility clinic, who are amazing by the way. I would recommend them to anyone and everyone who needed this type of service. Unfortunately, by this time, due to the rising pandemic numbers many things were put on the back burner, including fertility supports. It was around this time COVID-19 really started making its way around Canada forcing shutdowns of a variety of non-essential services. I was however, able to still meet with my new fertility doctor through virtual appointments. Luckily, I was able to get a better idea of what the next steps might be, once the office opens again of corse.  In the meantime, it was blood tests and well "other tests" that were required to se...

When I look in the mirror,  What do I see? I see pain well beyond my own broken brown eyes I see exhaustion from trying to hold my shit together  I see tears, knowing my life has forever changed and will never be the same I see beautiful long blonde hair that will eventually be taken from me against my will What do I feel? I feel guilt knowing I will never be able to give my husband the family he has always hoped for I feel overwhelmed  I feel anxiety. As much as I want to attack this head on, I’m scared that tomorrow may never come What do I think? It’s my fault My body has finally gave up, it’s as tired as much as my mind, if not more   Why me? Why was I given this path? Will they, or can they even fix me? I’m being punished for something I don’t even remember doing. Is it because of my own mistake, or some one else’s? But, despite all that..... One thing I do know for sure. What I am not, I am not my diagnosis. I may have cancer, but cancer does not have me.

Well, now that I’ve looked back at the title of this post I realized how grim it sounds. Sorry. Actually,  it’s really not so bad. Honestly! I do however want to say thank you to everyone who has reached out with their concerns. Please don't worry, I have certainly changed doctors and are now being better taken care of by my new fertility company....A-holes.😒 So i'm sure you  are wondering after all this insanity, why did I go back to that crap hole of a fertility clinic...and truly at this point I was actually thinking the same thing myself. Am I really willing to devalue myself this much? for what?! even if we were able to have a beautiful mocha baby out of this, is this the example I want to set for my child and not stand up for myself?....naaaaa🙅🙅🙅🙅🙅 But I couldn't help but feel, that i've come this far and have gone through so much. I just want to know what's wrong with me? is it me? at this point it really didn't matter. All I knew,  it wasn't ha...

Yes this is my journey, yes this is my experience. Most importantly, part of the reason I am sharing this is because I don't want women to feel alone. I am well aware that everyone's experience is different and unique to them. BUT, if there is anyone you know, who may be going through anything close to what I've experienced. Please pass on this blog to them. I want them to know they really are not alone, and although people don't seem to talk about it, ever.  There are women out there who have been there before. In no way should this be a "taboo" topic. The best thing we could do for the women in our lives is talk about it. Please know......They/You/Them, are not alone in this.💞 So, I can already read your mind...WTF is a C olposcopy?? Well thanks to Dr. Google, A colposcopy is a way for the doctor to examine a person's cervix etc for signs of disease. During this procedure, basically they put in some weird metal duck like thing and spray some saline up t...

  Understanding stress with a glass of water. So someone sent me this today,  and I think it's the most amazing video and had to share. Something so simple as a glass of water.  Initially, my first thought was, "oh awesome...here we go another video about a glass being "half-full" bullsh*t. Greeeeeaaaaaaaat."  Yes, I know, I know. I'm the first to admit that I couldn't have been more wrong. To be honest this video really spoke to me on so many different levels. Well, not to mention as soon as he put the glass down, I immediately shook out my right arm as if I was the one carrying the glass for him. It's amazing what stress can do to us. It's debilitating, exhausting,  and h3ll,  all encompassing at times.  Like Fu*k man, why do I have to hold this glass?  I don't even like water!  They could have least given me a Fresca or a damn Dr. Pepper, that I wouldn't mind.  At that point, I would just drink the damn thing and be done with it. Not ...

First off.... Please let me tell you all how grateful I am to have such an amazing response from my first post.  HOLY COW 🐮 I am so honoured and cannot express how much love and support I feel just from that one post! AHHHH!  but, can we also have a moment of silence for how amazing and cute that cow emoji is😆 OK sorry.... got distracted and this is a long one.... 😁 So, i'm sure you all have questions about how we got here.... and WTF you have cancer?!? yes this is true, and no, I do not know the meaning of life or why we are here. But, I will tell you my story of how I found out I had cancer. Using very poor grammar mind you😊. I do have to give a warning, not all of these stories will be filled with joy. Despite the name of this blog, what I can promise you though, is realness and honesty.  As crazy as some of these might be I can 100% reassure you, all of this and future stories have actually happened to me personally.  Trust me I couldn't make this crap up, ev...

Hey whoever you are, WELCOME! So I guess let me start by saying this is certainly fairly unorthodox for me, seeing as I've never "blogged" before. Not to mention it's not anything I ever imagined myself actually doing. I never thought of myself as the story "writer" type. As I'm sure as you can see based on my questionable grammar and spelling😏 But, for those who know me personally, I have been known to tell a good story or two in my day....well depending who who you ask, maybe a few too many. 😉 I'm sure your first question would be well....why are you doing this? To be  completely honest, I feel as though I have a real and personal story to share.  I have no idea who might ever read this, might be just myself as I type it, and if so, I'm ok with that.  This already feels therapeutic on some level, getting this far.  That being said, some of you may be familiar with part or most of my story.  For the rest of you, this story is certainl...