Chapter 4: Another fertility visit, the Legend of the colposcopy....

Yes this is my journey, yes this is my experience. Most importantly, part of the reason I am sharing this is because I don't want women to feel alone. I am well aware that everyone's experience is different and unique to them. BUT, if there is anyone you know, who may be going through anything close to what I've experienced. Please pass on this blog to them. I want them to know they really are not alone, and although people don't seem to talk about it, ever.  There are women out there who have been there before. In no way should this be a "taboo" topic. The best thing we could do for the women in our lives is talk about it. Please know......They/You/Them, are not alone in this.💞

So, I can already read your mind...WTF is a Colposcopy??

Well thanks to Dr. Google,

A colposcopy is a way for the doctor to examine a person's cervix etc for signs of disease. During this procedure, basically they put in some weird metal duck like thing and spray some saline up there to have a look around.  Gotta tell ya, trust me its not really as fun as it sounds.😕 And yes this story is 100% true and happened to me personally.

So Feb 2020,

When I originally went to the fertility clinic, one of the procedures they do routinely for new patients, is a colposcopy. To be honest, based on my previous experiences from the last few times I was at this clinic.... well, I was not exactly overly optimistic to say the least. However, this procedure was booked at a different location so I figured maybe things might be a bit different this go round.

Unfortunately, I was ever so sadly mistaken.

Naturally I arrived early, about 30-40 mins, for the appointment. Considering how nervous I was, I'm surprised I didn't arrive the night before and slept on the sidewalk just to ensure I knew I would be there on time. I was waiting for my mom to arrive before going in, naturally for emotional support. As I waited in the waiting room for my mom to arrive, one of the staff members came around the corner and called my name. I looked down to grab my belongings to follow her, immediately when I looked up she was gone.....umm ok? I walked towards the vicinity of where I saw her, and when I turned the corner? well damn... probably the longest hallway I've ever seen and about 4, 3028 doors on both sides of the corridor. Cool 😕....

As I proceeded to walk down the hallway,  I opened and peeked in every closed door I passed by. Of corse they were ALL closed.  This magical, mythical creature of a woman was no where to be found.  Honestly! where the heck did she go?! I felt as if I was in the chronicles of Narnia, looking for some random mythical creature, hidden away in some  magical wintery forest on the other side of the wardrobe door. But seriously though..Where the hell was she?! I eventually turned around and walked back to the beginning of the hallway where I came in from originally and saw some woman sitting in her office with the door barely creaked open. I stood there for a second hoping that she would notice me, i'm sure looking confused and creepy AF. She then looked up at me and said "umm, can I help you?" I then asked her if she knew where the mythical creature woman was hiding.  She then pointed to the very dimly lit room with the open door, right behind me and said "she's in there". Well.....ok then. 

I quickly turned around and walked into the room, there she was! I then said hello about 3 times before she even acknowledged I was in the room. I stood there for a solid 10 seconds in silence, wondering what is going to happen next. "ok take off your pants and lay down, did you empty your bladder?" she said out loud while not even shifting her eyes a millimetre  away from the screen in front of her.  "REALLY?, WTF is up with these people and their computer screens?!" I thought to myself. "Yeah I went to the washroom already while I was looking for you" I responded. "Ok" she said.

I then walked behind the curtain, which barely covered the end of the exam table by the way, and began to take off my pants. "My mom is actually on her way, and I really wanted her to be here. Could we possibly wait for her to get here? she's almost here..." No response.  I then repeated myself. Once again no response. I pulled up my pants, and big surprise I noticed she left the door wide open 🙄, I proceeded to repeat myself again. "No" she said, once again not even looking at me as her computer screen took precedence. "Why not?' I said. "there is no room in here for her to fit, its already you, me, and the doctor, there's no room for her". I then responded "ok, but im asking to have her in here so I can feel more comfortable". "No, the doctor won't allow it, there isn't enough room, go take off your pants and lay down" 

Im sorry, I didn't get the memo that im your 5 year old child. Yes please continue to talk to me in an ever so  demeaning way that CLEARLY in no way respects my dignity as a human being.😠 *enter sarcastic tone here*

I then asked her if she could let the receptionist know once my mom arrives that I was there and already in the exam room.  Once again no answer.  Seriously! forreal! I kid you not! I repeated myself twice and she did not even acknowledge my existence. So I pulled up my pants, put on my shoes and walked out of the room. I then walked towards the reception to inform them my mom was on the way and to please let her know where I was, she said ok.  Which by the way they never did and my mom had no idea I was even there yet.😡

I then went back into the room, got undressed and laid down. This evil villain of a woman then came out of nowhere, not telling me she was at the foot of the table, and proceeded to put the ultrasound probe up my, well you know. Let me tell you, that was a surprise i'll never forget. she then proceeded to push the probe up as high as she could while saying "no, you didn't empty your bladder, get up, go to the bathroom, and empty it."

Honestly every time I left that damn exam room, I looked and hoped that my mother was there to help. In fact I was hoping anyone would come to save me at this point.  Why? what did I do?! why is this happening? this woman who had no idea who I was to begin with, was treating me like some wild dog that needed to be scolded for taking a giant shit on her imaginary rug. Like WTF!?

I left the room and went to the washroom and cried, oh yeah I cried HARD. Like you know those ugly Oprah show cries where your face gets all red and you have a snotty runny nose. Yep, here we are, this girl ballin in a public bathroom stall like a boss. I eventually gathered my shit together, "emptied" my bladder, gave myself a pep talk, and went back into the room.

I got undressed, sat on the table waiting for her to come back, and oh shit did she ever. She came like a bat outta hell with a mission for vengeance. "ok lay down, I need to check your bladder again". "HOLD ON!" I said. "who are you?!, I don't even know who you are, why you're here, or what the hell you name is. You're standing there barking orders at me like i'm a damn animal, and I don't even know what the hell your name is!"

She stopped immediately and stared at me with a shocked/horrified look on her face, truly. Like she had just seen an elephant riding a tricycle on the beach in the middle of winter while eating an ice cream cone. HAHA not gonna lie I'd love to see that. "oh, umm. ok. I'm (insert name here), and im just going to check your bladder and take pictures of you uterus before the doctor comes in". "Great thank you" I responded. She then proceeded to do what she needed to do and even explained what was on the screen. When she was done, I then waited for the doctor to arrive.

Well, let me tell you. The fun was certainly not over yet at this point. 

I was laying on the table naked as a jay bird from the waist down of corse. All of a sudden I heard the door move, and some random man's voice. Who, by the way, was NOT the doctor. "WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING NOW?!?" I screamed inside my head. Im sure your pretty much thinking the same thing as you read this craziness. HONESTLY I could not make this shit up even if I tried. I was the G.D. maintenance guy testing the door because it was "Broken". B.R.OOOOOOO are you serious right now. Im buck ass naked behind this barely drawn curtain and here you are ANOTHER random ass stranger here to check the busted door?!?

Wait....hold up. Where is Ashton Kutcher is his hiding behind the computer the lady won't stop starting at because I swear i'm being punked, FOR SURE i'm 100% being punked right now, as this CANNOT actually be happening.

All of a sudden I hear the doctors voice, Oh shit, Oh JC! here we go. It's the same A-hole who said I was too fat to begin with, to even start this whole fertility process.  

F.  M.  L..........🤦

So he walks in apparently in a good mood, given that he actually smiled at me when he walked in behind the barely drawn curtain. He briefly explained what was going to happen and then proceeded to begin with the procedure. All of a sudden, I felt this massive force, so strong, rush up my ...  that my butt literally lifted off of the table. No word of a lie, it was like an SUV being slammed into a brick wall at 120 KM/H. Yes! it was that kind of force! of corse I said "OMG WTH!?" as to which I overheard the doctor say to his assistant "you need to let the patient know when you're inserting something inside them before you do it." as to which he apologized on her behalf.🙄

He then completed the procedure and showed me the ultrasound. Good news, my tubes were clear and open! bad news, there was some irregularity on one side of the lining of the uterus....

I got dressed as quickly as I could and got the hell out of there. 

I then cried alone in my car for 20 mins.

It was certainly a hard day.