Chapter 6: See, Think, & Feel

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When I look in the mirror, 

What do I see?

I see pain well beyond my own broken brown eyes

I see exhaustion from trying to hold my shit together 

I see tears, knowing my life has forever changed and will never be the same

I see beautiful long blonde hair that will eventually be taken from me against my will

What do I feel?

I feel guilt knowing I will never be able to give my husband the family he has always hoped for

I feel overwhelmed 

I feel anxiety. As much as I want to attack this head on, I’m scared that tomorrow may never come

What do I think?

It’s my fault

My body has finally gave up, it’s as tired as much as my mind, if not more  

Why me? Why was I given this path?

Will they, or can they even fix me?

I’m being punished for something I don’t even remember doing. Is it because of my own mistake, or some one else’s?

But, despite all that.....

One thing I do know for sure. What I am not, I am not my diagnosis. I may have cancer, but cancer does not have me.

Comments

  1. Majoroska26 January 2021 at 21:28

    F@ck cancer and f@ck covid....my arm are reaching out, all the way to Richmond Hill for a loooooong hug....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Laurie23 February 2021 at 10:15

      thanks so much, glad your still reading and I already feel the hug

      Delete
  2. Live.love.laugh.always27 January 2021 at 03:37

    Wow. So real. So raw. So beautiful. So poetic. And yes, very true...you are not your diagnosis, even though you feel like it's the only thing u think and feel about...but you are my Laurie. Junior's Laurie. Your friend's Laurie. Your residents Laurie. The one who brightens the world around her. And still, even in this darkness...you shine...oh how you shine. ✨✨✨

    ReplyDelete
  3. Franca8 February 2021 at 08:04

    My heart breaks. You did absolutely nothing wrong. Life is throwing you a curve ball and thats okay. We're all handed a curve ball one or two dozen times in our lifetime. YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS!! IT'S GOING TO BE OKAY!!!!!! I miss you and love you so much 💕💕

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Laurie23 February 2021 at 10:16

      miss you too mama. Pho will happen again eventually at some point.

      Delete
    2. Olivia8 March 2021 at 19:07

      Amen to that sista. We could all use some good Pho's ❤

      Delete

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