Chapter 23: "Love Me Louder"

Hi all,

Hope you're all doing well. Seems this week Im going to be doing something a little bit different. "off the cuff" some might say. Mind you for those of you who have been reading this blog all along, I've never been really "on the cuff" if you will.😆

I had an idea in mind of what I wanted to write about this week, the PET scan results with some funny sarcastic spin on it as I normally do. However, I tried, I really really tried. I wouldn't come, the words just would not form in any sort of way in my head, let alone, flow through my fingers out onto my keyboard.  No matter how hard I tried, pushed, sat and waited. They would not come out. Some would call that writers block I guess.  I've somewhat dealt with that in the past, but this week? this week was different. To be honest I cannot really explain it, all I know, it's beyond my control and unbearably frustrating.

My wonderful husband jokes to me each week when I go to write a blog post about the next step in my journey for all of you to read. He calls me "bloggy blogerson",😂 what a nerd🤓, but oh how I love him! After that he always follows it up with, "yeah I get it bloggy, you gotta give your fans what they want. Everyone wants a piece of bloggy!"😆 Oh and when I did the Instagram live with you all yesterday? dont even get me started what he said, too funny that man is I tell you!

While writing this blog in general, I try my best to be as authentically myself as much as possible. No filter, no bulls*it, just straight to the point and tell it how it is. Well, how I happen to see it anyway. Seeing as all the feedback i've received so far, I wanted to write what was truly in my heart this week. Seeing as it seems nothing else would flow out apparently. While doing the IG live with you all, I was inspired to talk about self love. It helped me realize, how much i've needed to show myself some love for quite a while now. As I'm sure some of you would say that you are your own worst critic, I know I am for sure 100%. No matter what it is, I try my best to be the best at it. I dare not say perfect given Lort knows i'm not, nor is anyone else. But, when I don't feel like i've succeeded at something to the best of my ability, I automatically assume i've failed. To be honest, seems to be the case, more and more as of late.

I know each of you come here every Monday to read what ridiculous crap has happened to me in my fertility/cancer journey thus far, and don't get me wrong that fills my heart with so much joy. In fact more than any of you will ever know. As i've said before, I never wrote this blog with the intention that people would actually read it. But since you have, I love it. I want to be able to bring awareness and educate those who have not had the experiences i've had, understand them, and hopefully learn from them. Or learn how to avoid them.

With that being said, I would be remised if I didn't actually say how I felt in this post.

The past month has been really hard. Not to say anything in particular has happened to me. Just in general, mentally it's just been rough. Im sad, i'm really really sad. I feel beat down, exhausted, and all consumed with sorrow. Maybe it's just the point of where i'm at right now in my grief having dealt with so much loss in both my journeys, cancer and weightloss. Which as I continue to write in this blog you will learn about. But loss none the less.  The reality is, not everything is happy. Not everything is sunshine, rainbows, and fu*king unicorns, and thats ok. There will be sometimes where you and having a h3ll of a time mentally and you feel that you cant carry your GD water bucket anymore. To be honest, I think i'm there. The bucket is just too damn heavy.

I know this feeling will not last forever, but I believe it is important to acknowledge where I'm at, when I do feel this way. As the name of this blog says, choosing joy, is what I have tried to do thus far. However just seems today, I'm forced to be as real as i've always been. That being said, I'm sure I'm not the only person who has been here, or felt this way. When this does happen, what can you do other than to love yourself in the way that best for you. For each person that naturally looks different, be it a warm candle lit bath, reading a book in a quiet room, or blasting Jesus take the wheel by Carrie Underwood on highway 401 coming home from work. Not gonna lie, may have done the last one today. I'm sure I put on a good show for all the truckers, sumthin' to brighten their day drive.😇😂

However, when all of that fails, and nothing seems to work, there is absolutely no shame in reaching out for help. I guess this is what I'm dong, this is my reach. 

When I was in the midst of going through my journey from h3ll last year, I came across the most beautiful poem. Ive attached it below, its called the mountain by Laura Ding-Edwards. I truly don't think i've ever connected to a poem before like I have with this one. Its beautiful, well worded, and reminds us that we do have those days sometime, and its ok to show ourselves some extra self-love, a.k.a love ourselves louder.💓 

I was watching a TV show a few weeks back and it had someone on there who said the most impactful thing, which mind you I still cant seem to get out of my head.  He was talking about mental health, love languages, and how they can impact all relationships.  At one point he said he has a small core group of people he is really close with and loves them dearly like family, as I hope most of us are lucky enough to have as well. He also mentioned, he's usually the one they go to for emotional support or encouragement. However, when he is having a "hard/rough" time he will often tell them to "love him louder". He knows that no matter what his friends love him and are there to support him. However there are those times where you feel down, broken, and just outright sad and you need some extra love and support to get you through. That's exactly what that is, giving someone a little extra love and support i.e. loving them louder.

I think part of the reason why I'm saying this, is because I feel like I need to be loved a little louder right now. I'm not sure how or what that looks like for me, but I do know I feel like I need it. Pandemic aside, this year and 5 months for me has been like no other, and I feel like maybe it's finally caught up to me. So here I am asking to be loved louder. 

Please.

Until next Monday......💜