Chapter 16: First MRI

 

First and foremost I just wanted to give all my love to all the readers of this blog. Im so glad that you enjoy it and i'm truly grateful anyone is actually reading this at all. 

So on this blog site, behind the scenes, I get to see all the stats and whatnot. How cool is it that this blog has gone INTERNATIONAL! WAAAAAAAAAAAHHH! #famousAF. 😎 Look at me giving Beyonce a run for her money!💃 Shoutout to all the readers in Canada, USA, UK, India, Australia, St. Lucia, Japan, Germany, Russia, Belgium, and Ukraine! 👏👏👏🙌🙌  There are other countries, I'm sure, but unfortunately they aren't listed and only come up as "other". But dont worry friends! you still matter!!  Not to mention, so far, this blog has been viewed well over 3,200 times!🙀 SO COOL! I'm sure you are all sick of me asking you to say hi or comment🙈. It's primarily because I really have no idea who reads this. Names don't come up when you view it, it's just numbers *whomp whomp*. But for those of you who do or have felt comfortable enough to say hi or comment, thank you! It's so heartwarming to know you enjoy it. For those who stay in silence, thats ok too. I hope you still enjoy it just as much! 

Okay, back to business...👷

Well this one is pretty epic, heads up its a long one, and to be honest, I still feel I have PTSD from it. Seeing as I have never had an MRI before this,  I didn't know what to expect. Also, not to mention, just a few days before I found out I was diagnosed with endometrial cancer. Thats it, no background or follow up information. All I knew was I had it and had no idea the extent, or how bad it could possibly be; hence why I was having the MRI.

Some of you may or may not know what an MRI is, and thats ok. I purposefully put a picture of one at the beginning of this blog, to hopefully clear up any confusion which may come later. Heres the "cole's notes". MRI stands for "Magnetic Resonance Imaging", and thats exactly what it is, a giant magnet. The machine uses "magnetic fields, magnetic field gradients, and radio waves to generate images" (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Magnetic_resonance_imaging) of your body's organs. Very cool! Theres no other way I could have accurately phrased that, so I just borrowed from Dr. Wikipedia. THANKS WIKIPEDIA!💝

So..... off I went on my usual trek downtown to the hospital, blasting whatever 00's pop I was feeling that day. The usual Toronto traffic was on the Don Valley Parkway (aka DVP to us "Torontonians"), which is usually a sh*show at best.  You think the pandemic would have slowed some of it down but NO SIR. Like shoving a tennis ball through a funnel, that sucker ain't going no place, no matter how hard you try or push for that matter.🎾🙅𐠜 Oh, and don't you DARE get me started on the 401!🤦 I sh*t you not, I have a picture of someone driving a pickup truck on the 401 with a Tim Hortons coffee cup sitting on the ledge by the licence plate. 100% true, I swear! that takes real talent I tell you. Not once did that sucker fall off 👏👏

For the record, for those of you who actually didn't believe me, please know, im a woman of my word.😏😎

OK, back to  the story.😊

I eventually arrived at the hospital and got ready to park. Immediately, I had horrible flashbacks of Jason in the dingy parking garage, so I made sure I parked in the other garage. Seeing as the pandemic continued to "rage on" in full force, this in turn forced me to once again go to another appointment alone. I finally parked, safely, took a very deep breath and went on my somewhat merry way towards the Princess Margaret Cancer Centre (PMCC) hospital entrance. Must have been an epic party inside seeing as how long the line was to get in the door. EFF YOU Covid.

After sweating my butt off in the line outside, seeing as it was "hotter than a goats butt in a pepper patch"🌶🐐💨, I was finally able to get in and complete the entrance screener questions. You know what I mean, those same 10 or so questions about if you have  come into contact with a person with COVID, or have you been stupid enough to have travel anywhere other than your bathroom, bedroom, or maybe backyard if you have one, in your own house. For the record incase you all missed it, that was smoke from the pepper flames coming out of the goats butt. Unfortunately, they don't have a emoji for that so I improvised. 😂

I went upstairs not really knowing what to expect. To be honest, seeing as I had to fast for this test, I was already hangrier than a tiger shark after a 30 minute nap. Umm, why a Tiger shark you ask? Well when I goggled what animals are ALWAYS hungry, thats what came up.🤷 Apparently tiger sharks🦈 are known as the "garbage cans of the sea" and will eat literally anything. Which is exactly how I feel when i'm "hangryAF", gluten intolerance be damned, i'ma eat that too! Mmmm, ugh how I miss gluten filled food, soft pillowy pastries.😋 Sorry off track again, anyway my point is, after 6 hours of fasting I was willing to give Hannibal Lector a run for his money and eat my OWN face. Knowing I was already very nervous and not to mention hungry AF, I tried my best not to say too much to anyone and keep to myself while I waited patiently in the waiting room. As only Lort knows,  anyone who approached me might get a  ear full of something they may never have imagined.😠

Naturally I arrived early, just incase they would/could take me in earlier, unfortunately no such luck. In fact, I had to wait just over an hour later than my appointment actually was, before I was even called to go in and get changed. Fun times, but at least I had a bunch of Netflix downloaded that I could watch in the meantime. For anyone looking for something lighthearted and funny to watch, you should definitely check out Mr. Iglasias. Its a 90's style sitcom, stars a killer cast, its very well written, and truly hilarious. Certainly a winner in my book. 

Finally, they called my name to go in and get changed into their ever so comfortable hospital gowns. Yes that "s" on the end was intentional. I do hope and wish for the day to come where I can actually be able to get through a procedure/test, and only have to wear 1 hospital gown instead of 2. The last thing I need is to have my big ass hanging out the back because I'm too big and the gown is clearly too small. 😳 Im sure they aren't trying to see my backside, while they get a good look at my insides.😂 I do appreciate the thought of  the staff giving me a "full outfit" to at least try and cover my lady bits. However, I feel the "one size fits all" scenario doesn't really apply here. Once I got them both on, the legenth barely covered my knees. Let's think here, i'm basically bare butt to the wind, with only a hospital gown and my panties on. Thank the Lort I was smart enough to wear dark ones, just incase. 😆 But I could hardly sit down without my gown going up basically around my waist, given how short they were to begin with. The only thing stopping my bare butt from touching the chair was the thin layer of my black cotton granny panties. YEAH I SAID IT! so what? they are hella comfortable, I have no shame, we all know this by now. 😝  Side note tho, that cannot be hygienic to have everyone's bare  bums on chairs while they wait, even pre pandemic.🤮  

One thing I forgot to mention, since I am talking about my weight. It's funny how things/journeys in life kind of intertwine. You may do something for one purpose, but the "higher ups" have another plan. For example, as I previously mentioned, at my heaviest I was close to if not over  400/425 lbs. Yep, big girl I was. Since my husband and I were wanting and trying to have a family, I wanted to do right by my husband a future child. Which is why I tried my best to loose weight. By the time I was to have this MRI, I was at about 318 lbs.👏 What I was not aware of, is that an MRI machine has a weight limit of 350 lbs.😟 HOLY COW!  Yeah let's digest that for a minute. I cannot begin to imagine how I would feel not being able to have this test, and being left to my own thoughts of to what extent or stage the cancer has gone to.😰 Makes me nauseated just thinking about it. lucky enough that was not the case.

Finally after waiting another 15 minutes or so, they called me in to have an IV inserted and the dye injected. I can't say I wasn't nervous. Primarily because, when I told my mom I was having an MRI, the first thing she said was: 

"Oh, well years ago your dad had one (an MRI) and ended up having an anaphylactic reaction to the dye they injected, so just make sure you know that and tell them." 

Wait what?! 😟 Yes, please tell me more things like that, seeing as I'm already jumping out of my own skin at the thought of even having to do the G.D. test. Wow that is so comforting that you told me, i'm so relaxed and calm now that you said that. Said no-one ever.😒

Ive never been one who enjoys needles🩸, does anyone really? Maybe the people giving them? I don't know. 🤷 But what I do know is, part of the reason why I hate them so much, is that it's hard as heck to find a vein in me even on a good day. Another reason to loose weight, yes I know. For those of you out there who are like me and have "Houdini veins"🧙, I have a tip for you. A staff at a blood lab told me once, "drink a bottle of water an hour before you are going to have your blood taken". Let me tell you, I tried it and it actually works! But, imagine for this MRI, I haven't eaten OR drank in hours and you have to get a vein? it's gonna be like trying to find toilet paper during the start of  the COVID pandemic.🧻 I'm certainly not feeling like i'm winning this race so far. 

Nevertheless, she tried, and of corse I let her, I had really no choice at this point. She was awesome! so good!😒 Not only did she poke me 3 times in each arm, she also tried the backs of both my hands. Not to mention she pulled the "let me stick in the needle, and move it around while it's in to try and get it" idea. UGH! no word of a lie, 24 hours later, i'm sure you can imagine what my arms looked like. Im sure the unknowing people at my local grocery store thought I should be forced to go into a drug rehab thanks to this woman. 🤦

Immediately after she got the IV in, a male staff came up to me and handed me a "health questionnaire". You know, the typical ones they have that ask about your surgical history, piercings, metal plates in your brain, and what STD's you might have etc.😆 For the record I said 🚫 for the last one, let's just put that out there. He then asked me to fill it out and that he will be back in a few minutes to review it with me.👍 Throughout this whole time I tried my best to keep as calm, cool, and collected as I possibly could. However, no matter how much I tried, the weight and anxiety of the whole situation  kept getting heavier and heavier on my shoulders. So many thoughts, worries, and overwhelming feelings were running not only through my mind, but my entire body. 

"Where exactly is the cancer?",

"How big is it?",

"Am I going to die?", 

"Why do I have to do this alone?", 

"Why couldn't my husband be here?, he's the only one who can keep me calm", 

"What did I do to deserve this?", 

"Why am I being punished?", 

"All I wanted to do is to have a baby, and I have cancer?!? WTF!?"

In the midst of all of these overwhelming thoughts and feelings going through my brain, I was able to complete the questionnaire they gave me. To be honest this is where the story starts to go a little "downhill", and thats putting it lightly.😖

When I was younger, I perforated my left eardrum. For this reason I lost 20% of my hearing in my left ear, and of corse had surgery because of it. Its actually cool how they did it. So basically, they took a skin graft from behind my ear,👂 and wrapped my eardrum with it like a piece of saran wrap. COOL! I wasn't sure through how to put this surgery on the questionnaire so I put eardrum reconstruction. 🤷 Im so not a surgeon so this seemed to be the best option. Well, this naturally raised a few eyebrows in the MRI staff as to what "eardrum reconstruction" actually meant. The male staff then proceeded to ask me many extensive questions about this surgery/procedure. Despite me not knowing most of the answers he was looking for, seeing as the surgery happened well over 20-25 years ago, I tried my best. Of corse, the more questions he asked, which I didn't know the answers to, I became more anxious, worried, and scared. 😟 Naturally, the information I was able to provide, did not seem sufficient enough for him. Seeing as at one point he said "we need you to call your doctor/surgeon to confirm there is no metal in your ear, if they are not able to confirm that today we cannot do your MRI." Holy crap WHAT!? 😨I then reiterated to him that the procedure happened so many years ago and in fact how they did it, yet none of it seemed to matter to this man.

He then proceeded to ask me what hospital I had the surgery in and who the doctor was that did it. I HAVE NO IDEA!,😩 it was like 20 years ago. I can barely remember what I ate for breakfast on a good day let alone what happened when I was like 10! 

👴"Well, we need you to go and call your doctor right now and have him fax us the information for us to review." He responded.

👩"Are you serious right now that this is happening?, We are in the mist of a pandemic and my doctor isn't taking any in person visits, let alone any impromptu phone calls related to this. Not to mention I just got this doctor about a year ago, he wasn't even around when I had that surgery."

👴"I understand, but we need you to go and call your doctor right now. Seeing as we are tight for time, if you can't contact your doctor, we will also try to call the records department of the hospital you had surgery in, to see if we can find the record of your surgery. If neither of those are successful, then we can't do the MRI today." He replied.

👩"Fine, but I told you how it was done, and there is no metal anywhere near or in there. This is ridiculous, and I AM having this MRI today!" I said.

After feeling much trepidation, I started to become a completely different person. 😡😤👿 I understand it was  a whole mixture of different things that lead to this moment.  If this was going to be such an issue, why was this not mentioned when the woman called me to book the MRI in the first place. I would have had that ridiculous information in my hand even before I got there. But no, and here we are.🤦

Progressively, I was becoming more and more upset. Up until this point, I was just kind of going with the flow and dealing with the infertility and cancer diagnosis the best way I could. But now, the switch was flipped, the kraken had been unleashed, it was happening. 👺I stormed back to the locker that had all my stuff in it and grabbed my cellphone. I then proceeded to dial my doctors number, and press send. Much to my dismay, the phone was not ringing, it wasn't doing anything. I then looked at my phone and OF CORSE I had no cell service. 📵 Slowly but surely I began to unravel.... upset, angry, and borderline distraught.🆘

I then found myself  pacing up and down hallway that connected the MRI and CT areas with my cellphone above my head and only my hospital gown on. There I was looking like a lost child in math class with my hand up begging the teacher to use the potty.🙋 I was hoping if not praying for at least 1 service bar to make a call. While at the same time saying all the swear words under my breath that came to my mind at 200 km/hr. But of corse, there he was the a-hole coming up from behind me  with a piece of paper in his hand. "Here is our fax number, your doctor can send the document to this number." Oh is that right? he can can he?😡 To which I replied, "Im not calling anyone, I don't even have cell service. How am I supposed to call my doctor to get this fu*king information to have this fu*king MRI, you won't let me have, if I cant even get any G.D cell service?" He then proceeded to stare at me for SOLID 3 seconds,😳 shrug his shoulders and walk away. Yep that made everything better. It took every fibre of my being to not scream at the top of my lungs and jab him in the throat.💪😡

For the record I would not have actually physically touched him, but let me tell you I certainly thought about it.

By now, I was in way over my head and was a solid 12/10 on the "I'm super pissed off and gonna scream at someone" scale.🙅 I then walked back to the reception where I signed in, which by the way had about 15-20 people in the waiting room, and proceed to beg them to let me use their phone so I could call my doctor. Im not 100% sure how the woman understood what was coming out of my mouth, as what I heard was a bunch of mumbled stressed out gibberish.

👩"Do you have a phone. I need a phone. I have to call my doctor, otherwise they won't let me have this MRI, and I just found out I have cancer and they won't let me have this MRI because of my broken eardrum. But I need to use the phone, my phone isn't working I have no signal,  please tell me you have a phone. I HAVE TO HAVE THIS MRI!"

Or something along those lines. Yeah, not my finest moment.😞

Once she erased the terrified look of shock off her face, 👀 she then proceeded to tell me "there is a phone if you go out into the main hallway, walk down the hall" and was on the other end of some area. I immediately stopped her from talking as to which I responded, "your fu*king joking right?! do you realize what i'm wearing?! I have no clothes on and you want me to walk out in front of all those people so they can look up my gown and see my naked body!? THATS WHAT YOUR TELLING ME!? THATS THE ONLY FU*KING PHONE YOU HAVE!"😡👿

Side note, the reason why I put in this picture I took, is to give preface of what the inside of PMH looks like. Its a beautiful open concept that allows you to look down from the higher levels to the main floor. However, it also allows the main floor to look up, aka look fully up my hospital gown.😐

She then responded, "oh, uhh, yeah umm ok there's a phone in the room right behind you. You can use that one." 🤦 For crying out loud people! She then walked over to the phone which was literally in the room right behind my back  and picked up the receiver and handed it to me.📞✋

Naturally at this point I was shaking, beyond upset, to the point of having a full on mental breakdown. It was beyond my control, an out of body experience really. As much as I knew, being someone who works in healthcare myself, this was definitely one of my top 2 most embarrassing life moments and in no way could I stop it from happening. I then proceeded to call my doctor, and of corse I got their voicemail so I hung up. I then immediately called my mom, as a retired RN and someone who was actually there, she would know if they inserted metal or not. Of corse, the response I got from her is exactly what I expected. "Metal? What are you talking about?! of corse they didn't use that. When they put the tubes in your ears they were plastic, and even those fell out. Whats wrong with them?"🤷 I then proceeded once again to regurgitate some inaudible gibberish, filled with swear words and yelling, while trying to recap for her what just happened.

I eventually hung up the phone, and tried to call my doctor again. As expected, no answer. 😤 It was at this point, I proceeded to leave a distressed voicemail about not being able to have the MRI.  At a high enough vocal pitch that i'm sure only dogs would be able to hear.🐶

Again not my proudest life moment.😖

Seeing as I had yet to be successful in any attempt to reach my doctor. I then made an executive decision to go back and tell them, I was having the MRI no matter what, and I was willing to take the risk. So off I went,🏃 on a mission back down the hall, bare bottom and all, looking for the a-hole who told me to call my doctor in the first place. Of corse, he was nowhere to be found. 😡 After looking behind all of the curtains in the room I was originally in, a small woman came up behind me, asking if she could help me. Finally! the first person to actually offer me help. 👐 I began to regurgitate the events of the entire stressful situation that just happened, at a pace that even i'm not sure I understood. I also proceeded to tell her that no matter what I was having the MRI today. "I will sign whatever document you guys need me to to wave liability, in order to make that happen. So please get me in the room and get the thing started."📃

"Oh you're the person with the ear surgery, there's no need to worry, you can calm down. We googled it and you're ok to have the MRI." "Wait WHAT!?" 😟 I responded. "yeah we googled the procedure, and you can have the MRI today you are fine. Come with me so we can give you the dye."😕😟

I was so dumbfounded by this point, I didn't know what to do or say and just followed the woman behind the curtain and had a seat. She left to get the dye, and I immediately started crying. Not like your run of the mill sniffle. It was the full-on, cant breathe, red face, snotty nose, light headed, cant see through the tears, hyperventilating cry. 😭😪 I actually had to throw away my mask, and get a new one since the one I already had on was soaked.😷

The woman then came back, gave me a tissue, a new mask, and the dye injection. 10 minutes later,  I then went into the MRI room and layed down on the "table". They then gave me noise cancelling headphones as the machine is SO loud when its on, and told me to remain as still as I possibly could for the whole test.

As much as I googled it, and asked people I knew. No-one ever really prepared me for what an MRI is actually like. 🙅Not as much fun as someone might think. The table shakes, you get really warm, at one point my butt felt like it was on a campfire. Not to mention, my whole pelvis was warm I felt like I had to pee...... SO BAD! It is a good thing though, they give you the headphones, seeing as you hear these extremely loud beeping tones the entire time. Its like a phone thats off the hook📞💥💥💥💥💥 beeping at different pitches as loud as humanly possible. FOR..... FORTY... FIVE.... MINUTES.😖

45 minutes later......

I was finally finished, it was over. I thanked the staff, grabbed my stuff and got the h3ll out of there as fast as I could.🏃 At the end of the day, I understand his concern of the metal in the ear. If it was the actual case, it could have easily killed me as soon as the machine turned on. However that being said, I never felt as though I had anyone in my corner in that moment. I felt scared, alone, and not being listened to, throughout most of the whole ordeal. 😖😔😞 Then at the end to have her say, "yeah we googled it, its fine" words cannot even begin to describe how I felt at that moment. Other than wanting to collapse into a ball on the floor.

I NEVER want to feel like that ever again.

Ever.

To be continued next week....