Chapter 31: Follow-up ultrasound at Toronto General Hospital

Hey all,

So I feel like I can aready feel you confusion of what the above picture is. Well for those of you who don’t know what it is, it’s a giant ear cleaner. Just be careful how far you push it in….. HA just kidding. For those of you who do know, trust me I feel your pain, literally. However for those who don’t know what it is, it’s the wand they use for internal vaginal ultrasound. Oh yeah buddy, that crazy long yet oddly shaped wizard wand with a nob at the bottom, goes in your vagina as far as you would imagine, right to the handle I’m sure, or at least it feels like it does.🤦🏻‍♀️ Oh but don’t worry it’s covered by a condom. Lort knows I’m not trying to get pregnant from an ultrasound machine right now given my current cancer situation. So we better wrap that sucker up. Like they say “don’t be a fool, cover your tool”. Or one of my personal favourites, “cover your stump before you hump”, seeing as I’m sure the last thing anybody wants is to show up at their doctors office with a lump. Especially if it’s trump, claiming it’s a mump, sittin there lookin plump, the size of JLo’s rump. Ok, ok fine clearly I could go on for hours 😂. But when in doubt, don’t be silly wrap that willie😉😌.

Ok back to the story, I just had the UTI surgery. Oh for goodness sakes, I meant IUD. Honestly when I typed it initially I laughed so hard I couldn’t take it out. Can you imagine having a UTI surgery. 😳 For sure it’s not funny, but I have no idea why I’m laughing at it, clearly I’m delirious. That’s it, it finally happened I lost any of the last marbles I’ve had. I tried my best to hold on to them but they were gonna leave me eventually. Glad you could all be witness for it😝😌😋🤪

SO, I had the IUD surgery and from what I remember hearing, the doctor said it went really well and now it was just more or less the waiting game. Mind you, the doctors did book me a follow-up ultrasound to see if the IUD was placed correctly. No big deal just add that to the list of all the other things i've done up until this point. ✅✅✅✅✅✅✅✅✅✅✅✅

As ive previously mentioned Princess Margaret hospital is part of the University Health Network. Which in the grander scheme of things has really helped me in terms of how fast this process went. Whenever I needed an appointment, no matter what it was for or where amongst the 5 hospitals, I was lucky to get in fairly quickly. Mind you i'm also assuming the current worldwide pandemic had somewhat of a role to play, in terms of not many people having appointments, or ever wanting to leave their house.

So for those of you who are keeping track. Which i'm sure is all of you seeing that you've read this far, so you must all be obviously invested in this adventure of mine. This is vaginal ultrasound #2, well #3 if you count the Rollie pollie Russian "doctor" who didn't know how a woman's vagina works.😒 Oh wait, I forgot all of the ones I had at the crap-show fertility clinic. Never mind, i'm sure i'm at like #56/57 now, but who's counting.😆 At this point i'm sure I could write a 465 page book just about that.😏 What would I call it? "the wand that keeps on giving..." or "the haunted vagina". 👻Ironically enough that second one is actually a name of book that came up in my google feed one day.😳😆

Anyway, so I arrived at the hospital for my ultrasound. Seeing as the number of them i've had before and already know what to expect, I wasn't the happiest of unicorns in the glitter pasture🦄, but was ready however to get it over with. I walked into the same entrance I went to previously  as it was closest to the parking garage. Also seeing as thats how I went in the last time, so I figured I would know where I was going. Well dear friends, I sh*t you not, I got 100% lost. 🤦🏻‍♀️At least twice. HOW!?!? Honestly no idea.🤷🏻‍♀️ This was the SECOND time I was at this hospital for the same test and still got lost.🤷🏻‍♀️

I went down, what felt to be literally every hallway in the hospital, yet saw no-one. 🚷Not gonna lie at some point I was debating stopping for a water break. It's like I was that one idiot who decided to climb Mount Everest without a sherpa.🏔 "Naaaaaa man, I'm good bro. I can do this myself, I know exactly where Im going. I got this". Pan to 6 days later, there I am, stuck on the side of a cliff, wearing only a t-shirt and polkadot boy short panties because I used my jacket, jeans, and boots to fend off 2 mountain goats and a black bear who tried to make me his winter cuddle companion.🤦🏻‍♀️🐻🐐🐐 From what I remember I took 2 different elevators 3 different times and somehow ended up at the same entrance I came in. What the h3ll bro?!?! 🤬At this point I was looking to see where I could possibly outsource a seeing-eye dog or even a basset hound to hunt out the way of where I actually needed to be. 🦮🐾 Mind you, I did pass the cafeteria at least 4 times so I COULD have stopped for a "water break", well if anything was open.🙄🤪

Finally I made it! 👏🏻🎉I arrived at my destination, thank Lort! Im assuming since it took so long for me to find out where I needed to be that I guess I was almost late. Or possibly already was. Seeing as when I checked in and sat in the waiting room, I wasn't there for longer than 5 minutes before a young asian woman came up and called my name. Cool.

She lead me to the room where I was to have the ultrasound, and I quickly got undressed. Yep, seems this has clearly become like a second nature to me now.  "Oh hello"(immediately drops pants and undies to the floor). 👖I feel at this point, I should just walk around with no pants, make it one less step for me to do. #Dancewithnopants 💃

Im actually happy to say the woman was super nice and really wonderful. Most importantly she was really great at her job. I almost didn't feel the ultrasound probe at all. Surprising, I know. Most likely because she is a woman and knows how horrible it normally feels. Could also be because I too busy talking sh*t about how terrible the last few ultrasounds were, to realize anything was even in there.😆

Im happy to say the surgery was a full-on success! the IUD was placed exactly where it was supposed to be and nothing needed to be shifted or moved. YAY! Now, the interesting part starts.....Interestingly enough a Mirena IUD, not covered by insurance, costs $500 each. Yes, I said........ EACH. 😳🤯Luckily my insurance covered it. But what I didn't know, is that despite this IUD being placed in as secure as possible. Some may even say snug as bug in a rug, that devious lil sucker can wiggle its way loose and fall out. Yep, I said FALL OUT! 😧 But thats not even the worst part. Pending your insurance coverage, you may not be covered for a new one until the next 5 years! well there goes $500 out of your pocket. Lort forbid that sucker falls out more than once?!?!?! OMG. No, absolutely not, I refuse to even think of that as an option.😵‍💫

However like I said, I am very happy to say, everything was where exactly it should be. At this point it was just very much a waiting game. At least for the next 3 months anyway.  One thing the oncologist did tell me, was that if the IUD does its job and the biopsy in 3 months comes back negative for cancer, they are going to take out the IUD and send me to dr. J the fertility doctor and tell her to get me pregnant ASAP! REALLY!? HONESTLY!?!? Thats the best news i've heard yet!😱😲

Heres hoping to the IUD doing its job and a new little member of our family would be in our near future.

But don't go far, as the story is far from over...

See what happens and how it goes next Monday, see you then!