Chapter 27: IUD Surgery

Well friends here we are, the first "surgery" in this cancer saga of mine. Not gonna lie you should all get comfy/cozy, maybe a snack, and a drink as I can already feel this one is gonna be long one.

Go ahead, ill wait.......

All set and ready to go? ok awesome lets get started!

I felt there was a reason why it took me so long to write this post. In some warped subconscious universe it’s like I was subconsciously stalling the inevitable.....like having diarrhea at a theme park. 🤷🏻‍♀️💩🚽 Excuse me sir, did you really think that eating 12 deep fried Oreos, chicken shawarma with extra pickled radish, 2 blooming onions, a soft serve ice cream cone dipped in red hot Cheetos, and to top it all off, a lime neon green slushy thats bright enough to glow in the dark and is as big as a moderately sized elephant would have you coming out on the winning end of this? Yeah I didn’t think so either. Just throwing that out there for a minute. 🤪😂. As you can clearly read, I’m back b*tches.  Well at least for right this minute anyway, it’s like one of those typical "fake it till you make it scenarios".  Can’t speak about 5 minutes from now so better keep going, before my get up and go........well.....GOES, ya know what I mean 🤪

So i'm gonna be honest, Im not entirely sure what I have already said about this IUD surgery or not. Seems as though I have been living under some metaphorical rock/in a deep hazy-like fog for the past few weeks, so I'll give just the basics. The point of this surgery was to take me off the horrible Megace medication and in turn hopefully stop having my impromptu b*tch fits with anything and everything that breathes. Shout out to my husband though for being so patient with me for those 3 months I was on that terrible stuff. Im sure when he said his vows at our wedding "b*tch fits" were not necessarily included in the "through sickness and health part". Lucky for him, it just came as part of the package, free of charge, but even luckier for me i'm still married to him despite that. 😅 Oh how I love that man!😍 Seeing as I have been overly symptomatic, they were hoping to insert the IUD to still continue to thin my uterine lining, aka endometrium, directly without the progesterone going throughout my entire body like it has been. Heres the kicker though, seeing as my BMI was still so high and I have sleep apnea, they didn't want to do it in the fertility clinic. I had to have it inserted in a hospital operating room as they would need to fully sedate me.😐

Not gonna lie, as the time drew nearer, the more nervous I got. Not to mention the more and more I wanted to just skip it and go on with my life. I knew however, in the back of my mind it was no longer about just me anymore. I wasn't doing this just for me, I was doing this for my husband, and everyone else who decided to hop on this "army-like" band wagon to help me get through this. As much as it "was", it no longer was about just me.

A few days before the surgery, I needed to have a COVID test done, normal procedure of corse. I can't say standing in a line for an hour and a half at Women's College Hospital.  To have some person shove a Q-tip up my nose to see if my brain is still where its supposed to be, was my initial thought of a good time. But hey, at least I was outside and it wasn't raining.🤷 Luckily I had my phone and some good music to keep me company while I waited. Before I knew it the maze of people were further behind me, than in front of me, and I was at the front of the line.👍 The nurse I got was really awesome, considering she seemed to want to be there about the same amount that I wanted to be there as well. Naturally, I cracked a few jokes and so did she. Im happy to say she was actually quite gentle compared to other tests i've had done. Off I went on my not so merry way to self isolate 3-4 days before my surgery date.

So here's the thing though. It was at this point I needed to self isolate and not leave my house for any reason, of corse. However, my awesome husband was having none of that and still had to go to work unfortunately. So there I was, once again, alone, while my husband stayed at a hotel closer to his work so he could go in if needed. Truly unfortunate, but just had to happen that way. As we all know life doesn't necessarily stop whenever you want, or need it to. Bills keep coming, rent is due, people gotta eat, and you gotta buy something to wipe your bum with after you use the toilet. So here we are! In my mind it was the hardest 3-4 days so far, being away from him that is, but we did it.

The day before the surgery, I did the typical routine of fasting and not having any late night college keg parties after 12 am. You know, despite really wanting to. I could see how that may be frowned upon by the hospital staff. Dream killers.....😒 just kidding.😆 As to be expected, I didn't get much sleep the night before, as I had to be at the hospital really early in the morning and well I figured I would sleep during the surgery so I wasn't too worried about the sleep loss at this point.

So here was the plan, seeing as they were just gonna insert the IUD and do "some other clean up in there" aka a D&C, I was just supposed to be there for a few hours and out by about noon. Seeing as it was supposed to only be a "day surgery", and it was. But you all know my luck and how things go, so of corse it was not all smooth sailing but it once again makes for a really good story.

I arrived at the hospital, grabbed my stuff out of the car, and walked in to be greeted by a woman who gave me a fresh mask to put on. I then went up to the day surgery floor and checked in at the front desk, pretty easy so far eh? pretty much. I was then taken back to the pre-op waiting room where I was asked to change into the ever so familiar hospital gown couture i've become so fond of. What's this though? Pants? well hello look at these guys trying to step up their game giving me some pantaloons so everyone didn't have to see my "lady bits" unless they were supposed to.  Aka the surgical team. Of corse the joke was on me though with their "one size fits all" garbage. After all that, having dropped just over 80 pounds by this point, those suckers weren't going ANYWHERE near the top of my knees let alone lower thighs. Seeing as i've never been one to give up so easily, I was determined to get those pants on wether they ripped or not. I wiggled, I waggled, I lunged, and even did a running high jump with a friggin' Olympic pole. No matter how hard I tried those suckers would not give in, or go on. I then tried calling for the woman who directed me to the back room for help, but no-one was answering. So I took matters into my own hands! Put on my gown and held it at the back, while hunched over holding the crotch of the "not so all size-fitting" pants. I then proceeded to waddle out to the front desk to find help, looking like Quasimodo's girlfriend, or a huge silverback gorilla looking for its mate.🦍

Aside from actually needing help from someone, I figured it was still early enough in the morning that no-one would be in the waiting room yet. As when I arrived, I was the only on there. Rest assured my good friends, I was no longer the only one there and there were 4 other people in the waiting room. There I was bare a$$ to the wind asking the reception nurse if she had any other pants I could have that may fit. After she got over the initial shock of me showing up like that and she stopped laughing, yes I have to admit it was pretty funny. She then called the first woman back to get me a blanket to cover myself. I feel at this point after getting the blanket, I no longer needed the gown I was wearing as the blanket was big enough to cover a moderately sized village in Iowa. But thats neither here nor there.

I then finished changing and sat in an open area with a TV, waiting to start the next level of this messed up video game that has been my life. They eventually called me into a room which can be only described as the size of a rabbit cage. With 2 other men who proclaimed to be my anesthesiologists. 1 being an older gentleman, and the other who no word of a lie looked exactly like Jackson Avery from Greys. FINALLY things are turning up in my favour!!!! mind you my doctor didnt have grey eyes, his were more green 😌

Exhibit A:

Yep, ill just let that pic sink in for a bit..........

Ok where was I? So Mr. not so young and Mr. "Avery/aka McHottie" basically went over my procedure with me from an anesthestetic perspective. Up until now, I had it in my head that I would be fully put under, no questions asked. To be honest I was kinda banking on that. However seemed to me that they had different ideas in mind. "So based on your BMI and your sleep apnea diagnosis, we feel as though the risk is too high for this procedure to put you completely under." blah blah blah, yaddy, yaddah. Basically their concern was that I wasn't gonna wake up. Fun times. So what they seemed to want to propose was a "spinal".  What is a "spinal" you ask? well, good question glad you asked! 😃 A spinal is where they take a huge needle approximately 4 inches/9cm long,  shove that puppy right into your spine to freeze you from the waist down. 

Exhibit B:

WHOO!!! cant wait for that rollercoaster to begin let me tell you! Of corse they have to go through the long exhaustive list of risks associated with it ie. nerve damage, peralysis etc....Yeah, no thanks, i'm good. 😟 Forreal though, just put my a$$ to sleep. I honestly went back and forth with them for about 20 minutes about how I didn't feel comfortable at all to have the spinal, and how I had it set in my head that I was being fully put under. Eventually I gave in, and reluctantly agreed to the spinal. Mind you, this was probably the closest I was ever really going to get to ever having an actual epidural. Thanks to this bulls*t cancer of mine. A-hole.😒

Before I knew it, at the first glimmer or even a smidgen of me saying yes, they immediately took me out of that room and into another of what seemed like a bedroom for orphaned children, Huh? yeah I said it, and why are the lights off?!?!.😕  Row after dark row of empty hospital beds, with blankets tucked in tightly and 1 single pillow placed strategically at the top of each bed waiting for the next patient to jump right on in.  Not gonna lie, despite it being 8am, this room was fully looking like a scene from American Horror story Asylum, or "insert any other hospital themed horror movie" name here, at any moment the Jason dude from before is gonna show up with his machete from the parking garage he lives in just a few blocks away near Princess Margaret. 😟

There I was seated on the bed talking to Mc Hottie about, well honestly I don't remember. But what I do remember is being completely naked under my hospital gown and my the king size duvet of a blanket they gave me wrapped tightly around my mid/lower half of my shivering body.  Im assuming McHottie was either an intern or a resident but certainly not an attending, as im fairly sure the older doctor was teaching him. As we all know, this history of my hide and go seek veins. Unfortunately for McHottie, he was not aware of this. He tried, oh how he tried so hard, on both arms and hands even!! poor guy even had to get out the ultrasound to find my vein because I was so dehydrated. Mind you I had to be because of the surgery.  Finally the other doctor got fed up with waiting I guess and took over. After about 5 mins of him poking around as well, he was able to get something. 👏👏 Slowly but surely more and more random people started popping out of nowhere, seemingly having tasks to do. Which often involved asking me the same questions over and over again. I should have came prepared with a cassette tape and a recorder to play anytime someone new showed up at the foot of my bed. But hey it's fine, I really didn't mind, better safe than sorry.

One thing I did appreciate was how fast everyone was moving. In a good way It didn't really allow me time to sit and "fester" about what was actually happening to me. Lucky for all of you, this is where the story gets really fun. So here we are, it was time for the spinal. 😒 I'm sure you can hear my eyes rolling form over here. Before I knew it, I was hanging over some metal contraption while arching my back like a cat about to attack.  Below isn't exactly what they used but it was very close to it. I was sitting on the bed and had to hold this thing while I put my face in it. 🤷

Exhibit C:

They then proceeded to put what felt like a big sticker on my back, I guess to mark where to put the needle. It was at this point reality started setting in, and so was the rest of my stress and anxiety. Like a waterfall of emotions, completely uncontrollable I began to have a full on panic attack. I was hyperventilating, I couldn't catch my breath no matter how hard I tried, and began crying hysterically.  Im sure it wasn't the best way to impress Dr. McHottie, but it was coming out of me wether I wanted it to or not. Next thing I knew I heard a male voice yelling at the nurse to get a sedative to calm me down, which she did. Unfortunately for both of us, it didn't work.😐 SO, they gave me a second dose.😏 Yep that one definitely worked. Let the comedy show begin!

They were eventually able to get the spinal needle in and inject the medication once I calmed down. They then assisted me putting my legs back onto the bed. To be honest, I don't entirely remember all the random verbal dirreah that began to spew out of my mouth. However i'm assuming I was killing it, as all I remember were people, especially McHottie laughing uncontrollably.

At one point, I remember McHottie talking to me about music and what type of music I like to listen to. I guess to keep me distracted or engaged I'm assuming. Of corse being who I am, I blurted out as loud as I could "90's GANGSTER RAP!" as to which I then proceeded to recite the lyrics to Coolio's gangsta paradise word for word, on rhythm by the way! 😜 After the initial look of shock left his face, it immediately then turned to a smiling nod of sheer amazement and appreciation with my awesome ability to "spit rhymes" with the best of them. A woman of many talents I am. 💃😆 However much to my surprise, he then said he was't able to play any gangster rap due to copious amounts of "swearing" in it. C'mon bro we are all adults here! Well except for maybe him seeing as he looked barely 21 years old on a good day, got those hella good genes I guess.😆

Before I knew it, I heard a woman's voice telling me good morning from the bottom of my hospital bed. I quickly looked and to my very pleasant surprise it was Dr. J!!! oh how I love her! It was great to finally meet her in person for the first time. Mind you I wished it was under better circumstances, but thats neither here nor there. She was certainly much taller than I would have expected but definitely just as sweet  and kind hearted as I remember. She's one of those people who have just an amazing aura and a warming/calming disposition. Which mind you was such a refreshing thing to have given how everything has gone up until this point. As soon as I looked over and saw her beautiful face, I quickly smiled while responding, "Dr. J it's so great to finally meet you! Unfortunately it sucks that I'm doing it vagina first."😳😂 She, and the other 15-18 people that were standing around my bed giggled, and then proceeded to discuss my case and what procedures were being done in the operating room.

Looking back on this specific experience, maybe it was NOT the best decision to start rewatching Greys Anatomy on Netflix during my few days of quarantining solitude. Why you ask? Well for those of you who watch the show religiously like myself, you may remember one of the first episodes where they were in the operating room, and the anesthesiologist was drunk. It was brought to the attending's knowledge (Derek I believe) but he just blew it off. Until they were actually doing the surgery and the anesthesiologist passed out because he was drunk and the patient began to wake up on the surgical table during the surgery. Yeah whatever I know its just a show, but HOLY SH*T! people. So how does this correlate to the story? Well, once Dr. J was done giving all the surgical staff and students the "rundown" she then asked me if I had any questions. At which point I then eagerly inquired, "has anyone been drinking this morning? or is hungover from last night?"..... Oh yeah I said it, Im telling you those sedatives I got worked wonders for getting rid of my brain to mouth filter. Not gonna lie, the initial looks on all of their faces were sheer shock, if not horror that I would dare even ask them all that. However when I looked at Dr. J, she was laughing as if she had grown to expect something like that to come out of my mouth. Well, clearly she wasn't wrong. I then started  explain that I had been watching Greys anatomy and what happened. The staff then looked relieved and started laughing, I then heard someone in the back say "all I drank this morning was coffee". I giggled and said "OK then we're good, let's make this happen."

I laid back down, and they wheeled me into the operating room. By this time, I couldn't feel my legs at all let alone move them. While seeing only the ceiling the whole time, the staff then shifted me to the operating table. During this time, Dr. McHottie was talking to me in my ear to keep my mind occupied on anything else then what was actually happening around me. Next thing I knew the whole lower half of my body was hoisted up into the air and onto a set of "stirrups", as if I was about to give birth to an imaginary baby, I guess. Well i'm assuming thats what was happening seeing as I couldn't actually see what was going on. I then hear Mc Hottie in my ear saying "I don't have any gangster rap, but I do have Lauren Hill". Thats fine by me!

Next thing I knew, "cant take my eyes off of you" by Lauren Hill was playing in my ear. Ironic eh? seeing as McHottie was playing this for me....hmmm... just putting that out there. 😜 While I was singing along, someone then shoved a tube into my mask and I was asleep.

I then woke up in recovery and everything was done. YAY! I did it! I survived, I woke up! They then wheeled me to the 2nd stage recovery room where I waited for the spinal to wear off so I could walk again. Lort knows until then, I wasn't going ANYWHERE, no matter how hard I tried, trust me I tried. There I was trying to physically lift even one of my legs with my arms, yeah that wasn't happening.😂 I truly believe the anesthesiologists took it to heart when I said I didn't want to feel ANYTHING!....I didn't mean like ever again, which is what it seemed to go on for.😒 

Despite still being "half in the bag", out of nowhere popped Dr. J and her surgical student. I couldn't tell you her name even if I wanted to. But she was really nice though.🤷 They then proceeded to give me the rundown of what happened during the surgery and how everything went. Honestly, that entire conversation was 110% pointless. I have no idea to this day what either of them said, seeing I was still groggy from whatever wonderful sleep gas they gave me. During the entire conversation not only could I barely keep my eyes open, but their mouths seemed to be moving and yet noises similar to what Charlie Browns parents sound like were actually coming out. Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah. I appreciated the effort though!👍

Luckily for me I was somewhat near the nursing station and could hear all the comings and going's and boy was there a lot. Not gonna lie as a healthcare professional myself, I was a little taken back with how some of the nurses were working. 

Seeing as it was a day surgery "ward", the patients didn't necessarily have their own rooms. Our beds were simply divided by curtains, thats totally fine not a big deal. However which surprised the h3ll outta me was the nurse yelling a client's name and their medications to the other nurse located at the other computer 5 beds over. 😳 Not gonna lie, after yelling his name about 5-6 times and THEN spelling it, there's no way no-one would have not known who they were talking about.🙈

As I mentioned the procedure that I had should have been an in and out thing. In fact, the plan was to have me be able to go home by about 11am or noon. Well much to my dismay, was certainly not the case, OF CORSE! It was 1:30pm and I still couldn't feel anything below my knees. I tried my best I really did, I rubbed, pinched, lifted, and shook my legs to get any sort of movement or feeling back in them.  At one point one of the student nurses even tried to help me stand up, well.......considering as soon as my feet hit the floor, almost so did my a$$ right behind them. It was clearly still too early to go anywhere.

It was evident by this point that Dr. "not so young", gave me too much damn spinal anesthetic. Good Job chief!🙅 and my nurse was pretty much beyond irritated of even the very thought of my presence still being there a second longer. Honestly after 10:30 am I don't even have enough fingers and toes to count the number of times she came over to "check on me" and get my bedridden a$$ outta there. What was I to do though? I literally could not move anything below my hips let alone move my feet in any direction that didn't include being parallel to the floor.😒🛏

I was happy to say finally one of the assistant surgeons came back once again to explain what happened during the procedure. Thank the Lort, seeing as I had no freaking clue what anyone was saying or had said to me until about 11am. Turns out the procedure was a success, WHOO HOO! GO DR. J! They were able to scrape down the uterine lining, remove a polyp and send both to the lab for pathology analysis. They were also able to see the area where the cancer seemed to be located. Which was also included in the scraping. Lastly they then placed the IUD inside, they had already booked me a follow up ultrasound to ensure the IUD placement was correct. At this point all seemed well, and hopefully this would all be a success to get me to the next step of actually having my own child.

But first, my legs needed to start woking again so I could go pee and get the h3ll out of the hospital. Not to mention get away from this angry Polish woman who claims to be my nurse. Finally at about 2pm, I had watched all of the Netflix I could handle and was beyond determined to get my self outta there with or without my legs working. I called the student nurse over to give it one last shot before I was gonna unleash Niagara Falls all over my hospital sheets. Im telling you, at this point my pee was coming out of me wether I wanted it to or not. HOORAH!🙌🙌🙌🙌  there was some wiggles, woggles, webbles, and wobbles but I made it to the toilet with only a half a second to spare. If i'm really honest...well why not be, it was already on its way out in the midst of me trying to sit on the infamous porcelain throne. Sweet relief! Before I was even able to stand up after flushing the toilet, there was a knock at the door from the Polish nurse asking me if i'm ready to get changed so she could wheel me to the front for my ride.😟 Told you she wanted me out of there.🙈😆

Once I got out of the washroom and was helped to get dress by the super sweet student nurse. The Polish nurse happily offered to wheel me out to the front door where my husband and mother were awaiting my arrival. Its like she wanted to personally ensure I was actually going to leave the hospital, and not somehow magically make my way back to pay her a visit to have tea. Rude, I'm a friggin delight! she wishes she was that lucky.

Before I knew it, I was at the front door where I saw my husband eagerly await my arrival. To be honest I don't think I've ever been happier to see him than that moment. It was like the moment in any romantic movie where the two main characters realize their love and run towards each other in slow motion then embracing with a passionate kiss, in the rain of corse. Seeing as I could walk, but barely though, I wasn't running towards anyone. But I know my hubby couldn't wait to give me a big hug and kiss though, as if to say, "finally its over, your safe, and im here with you". Which is certainly what I really needed at that point.

After arriving home, it only took me about a day or 2 to get back to my new "normal". Which certainly was not anything close to my previous normal......Why you ask? stay tuned for next weeks post to find out.

Love you all for reading! see you next Monday!

P.s. if this blog ever got into the right hands, I would totally write a book.😏😆😜