Chapter 19: Ultrasounds (Fertility & Cancer)

Whuddup fam!

HAPPY EASTER ALL! 🥚🐇 It's good to be back! thanks to everyone who reached out to me over the past week.💗  Honestly the past week and a bit took a lot out of me, but i'm happy to say that i'm feeling a lot better. Its amazing what a heavy dose of antibiotics can do, thank the Lort for modern medicine! 

So, where was I? Oh yeah, the ultrasound at Toronto General Hospital. I find it so funny, as I write these posts, how other memories come flooding back, especially in this case. It's also extremely ironic that easter weekend just happened to coincide with this specific post. That may not make sense right now, but trust me, keep reading and everything will come full circle.

Let's go way back to when my husband and I started this whole fertility process about Nov/Dec 2019. They say, if you are 35 years old or older and you have not gotten pregnant yet, then you should reach out for professional assistance. Whoever "they" are, luckily in my case, "they" said that.😄 After about a year of trying, I reached out to my family doctor and told him my concerns. FYI, he's the best, not to mention he's one of the very few people that find my excessive talking/boarder-line ranting endearing. Or maybe he's just a really good actor and does a good job of convincing me of this.😂 Either way, He's awesome! He took my concerns in stride, as he usually does and sent me off for some "testing" before referring me to a fertility clinic for more help. Well we already know how that turned out. 😒 In his defence, the only reason he sent me to that first clinic is because I thought I did my research correctly, and requested that one. Ugh, idiot me.🤦 ANYWAY, he said in order to be able to refer me to a fertility clinic I would need to do a transvaginal ultrasound, cool, no prob bob. At least that's what I thought.

The appointment time came quickly, and to be honest, I was naturally fairly nervous but excited to get the ball rolling on this whole thing. Oh how I naive I was, not knowing what was to come. Due to the nature of the ultrasound the clinic informed me that I needed to bring someone with me. Seeing as the only tech they had available was a male. Naturally, I brought my husband with me. Looking back now, and seeing what was to follow, Im glad he came with me.

As you all are reading these stories, im sure on some level you don't believe it. Well, if I was you, I wouldn't either. However, having actually lived them, personally, rest assured, believe it. All of this 100% happened...

Prior to a vaginal ultrasound, for those of you who haven't had one, you need to drink a ridiculous amount of water about 1 hour before. Oh and by the way you are forbidden to pee until halfway through the procedure. No matter how much you feel your bladder will rupture, flood, and demolish the entire continent of Australia.😓💦

I arrived at the clinic, already needing to pee of corse. I went in the back to change in the typical ultrasound clinic couture, a.k.a hospital gown. While my husband waited by the change room. I'm not sure if it was just me, but it felt like the clinic was purposefully the temperature equivalent to the North Pole. Maybe Santa was going to make a surprise appearance with Mrs. Claus?, guess they wanted to make him feel as comfortable as possible? 🎅🤶 That would be my guess. I digress, I waited for what seemed quite a while before a random, short, rolly-pollie, Russian man called my name to follow him. Ironically somewhat resembling Mr. Claus himself, sans beard.

My husband and I then followed the man down the hallway to a dimly lit room, with a washroom in the corner. I was then instructed to lay down on the table, and my husband was given a chair to sit on the other side of the room. Naturally to be far enough away to not interfere with the procedure, but close enough to keep an eye on Mr. Russian Claus of corse. The tech then proceeded to ask the typical questions i.e name, D.O.B, etc to ensure he had the correct person. He then proceeded to give be a brief synopsis of what was going to happen. "I am going to start on the outside, then use the vaginal wand to get images on the inside." Cool, whatever you need to do, as quickly as you can before I pee all over the back wall. Let's get'er done.

At least I was given a sheet to cover my lower half, but there I was bare a$$ to the wind. Doing my best lamaze breathing impression while he pushed in the "transducer probe" (thanks google) so far into my abdomen that it seemed like he was trying to see what the back of my spine looked like from the front. 😳  "HE, HE, WHOO. HE, HE, WHOOOOOO" trying my best not to "accidentally" leak all over the exam room floor. Not to mention, doing all of this in complete silence. Side note, I understand that they cannot tell you things, as they are not certified and legally able to do so. However, if you are some random stranger about to shove a stick up my clam cooter, it would be nice to know you give a sh*t enough to ask how my day is going. Y'know?😒

All of a sudden, he stopped to type a bunch of stuff and continued to sit in silence. For those of you who know me personally, that doesn't "sit well" with me. So I began to ask him random questions.😆😂😂 "Where are you from?", "how long have you lived here", "how long have you been doing this?" Do you like doing this?", "do you miss Russia?", "how long did you study to be a doctor in Russia?" etc, etc, etc....I'm fairly certain he was super over it, seeing as progressively his answers became shorter, and quicker as time went on. He then, I guess, got fed up with me trying to learn his life story to avoid the awkward silence, so he told me to use the washroom.😂 Which by the way, had no toilet paper🧻. Russian Santa Claus for the win everybody!

I then finished, with great relief, PHEW! and laid back on the table to complete the next part of the test. The transvaginal part, aka the inside look. For those of you who are so lucky to not have had a transvaginal exam, I have put a picture above to give you a better idea of what the "ultrasound wand" looks like. Yes, it IS that big, and No it DOESN'T bend to accommodate the curves in your uterus. In fact YOU have to accommodate to IT. So i'm sure you can imagine how wonderfully uncomfortable that is.

So lets recap a few paragraphs back, where Mr. Russian Claus said that he was a Doctor back in Russia. Here I was thinking I was in good hands, and that with him being a doctor, whatever type that was, he would have a general Idea of where my vagina is. Well my dear friends, I assure you he did not. How is it that he’s a doctor back in Russia, and should be aware of where a vaginal opening is, you would think. But here I am with 3 holes to choose from and he STILL can’t find it!! IN FACT, he was so damn adamant that where he was putting "it" was the correct space that he tried to shove it in so hard, it's like he was trying to burrow his OWN unique tunnel through not only my clitoris, but then my perinum to get to my uterus. WTF!?! Despite me trying to guide him, he kept missing and figured in his own brain that basically ramming it in harder would eventually do the trick WTF!?! I eventually told him to stop! and that he was hurting me as a tear rolled down my face. I cried out in pain to my husband who quickly came to my rescue like my own personal superman ready to save the day. Which he 100% did. He grabbed the wand from Santa Claus and within 1 second the thing was already in, no questions asked. My hero!😍

Mr. Claus apologized then continued his exam, in total silence much to my dismay. Of corse I was having none of it. If you are going to hurt me as much as you did, the way you did, you bet your a$$ I'm gonna make you talk to me, and not force me to sit in silence. Thats the least you could do. I then proceeded to ask him if I had a uterus. BUT OF CORSE I was kidding, and I knew I had one, but the look on his face made everything totally worth it.😌😂 He immediately stopped what he was doing and looked at me with a completely confused look on his face while replying "what?!".😂 

"I'm just double checking that its still there and it didn't fall out on my way over here" I replied.

👴"ummm, yeah its still there"

👩"what about eggs?, do I have any of those?"

👴"yeah, in fact you have one big one"

👩"one big one?, like how big?, like a tennis ball?"

👴"haha, no not that big more like a little smaller than a ping pong ball"

👩"COOL!"

Well hot damn look at me I’m like the G.D. Easter bunny here walking around with magical super eggs, correction ONE XL magical super egg.🤣 See I told you! full circle people!🤣 For real though, you and I both know that was not an egg. A human woman's eggs are not that big, it clearly was a cyst. I didn't have to be a Canadian or even a Russian doctor to know that. But h3ll, he was talking to me so I just went with it.

He then completed the test, I cleaned myself up, and he sent me on my way. A few days later, I returned to my family doctor and told him what happened. Turns out I was bang on! when I told him I had one large super egg, the look of sheer horror and confusion on his face said it all before anything came out of his mouth. "um, are you sure its an egg and not a cyst?" he said. "Well of corse it was a cyst, but it was just funny to hear that i'm apparently walking around with some XL super egg. But only one of them and no more."😂 Naturally he laughed and filled the referral to the fertility clinic.

Fast forward to my Ultrasound at Toronto General Hospital July 2020. Luckily, i'm happy to say it was not as eventful as the first. I feel like a broken record saying this, but unfortunately once again due to the pandemic, I had to attend the procedure alone. Except this time, they weren't looking for any epic monster size easter eggs. For anyone who has been to TGH, or any major hospital on "university Rowe" downtown Toronto, it's certainly an adventure. This was the first time I went into  TGH, and of corse I went in the wrong door and got completely lost. Between going through tunnels, hallways, and what seemed like a never ending maze, I ended up at the door I came in and asked the information person a second time where I was supposed to go. I think Jamie Foxx had it wrong, when he said I can blame it on the A-A-A-Alcohol.🍹 I blame it on the damn brain fog. It's a real thing people, google it.

I finally arrived, got changed and waited for the procedure to start. A man and a woman came in the room, introduced themselves, and asked me the standard identifier questions. i.e. name, date of birth etc. Turns out the man was a student looking to go into the gynaecology ultrasound field and he was learning. Honestly, they were both wonderful! respectful, and talkative. PHEW! 😅 I expressed my concerns about all the previous transvaginal tests i've had and such poor experiences. They reassured me that they will try to be as gentle as possible. Which they were, and was a big relief. Before I knew it, the procedure was over, I cleaned up, got dressed, and waited in the room for them to confirm the images were ok and then release me.

I'm happy to say, that although many of the experiences I had at the beginning were not really the best. Luckily as time went on they did get better. Don't forget to choose joy, and appreciate even the little things.

Till next Monday💋....

To be continued!

Please note the image above is not me, did I take the photo, nor do I own it.