Chapter 15: Cancer Etiquette

Hi all, been a while! Nice to see you again!🖐

Here we are for another instalment of the ever eventful crap-show that has been my life for the past few months.😆

Let me preface this post with, this blog is a safe space. There is no judgement here, nor is it welcome. I want ALL of you who read any of these posts, especially this one, to feel comfortable enough to be open and willing to comment. I will always respond, as i'm always excited to hear from any of you. Not to mention with comments,  it invokes really great conversation. That is how we can create awareness and support each other throughout those though times, even when we DON'T know what to say. I want everyone to have no fear about voicing their opinion/feeling worried about asking a "stupid" question.  FYI when it comes to this, there are no stupid questions.

So when I first started this blog, this entry was something I always wanted to do, but wasn't sure how to squeeze it in, or even really how to approach it to be honest. But I always felt it was something really important to discuss. However, let me preface this by saying,  I am literally only speaking for myself in this situation. These are my opinions, and my opinions alone. Naturally, i'm sure, I will offend some people🤷, much like needing to use the toilet after you eat, sh*t happens.  Sorry, not sorry😏. When you have lived my entire life the exact way I have, having gone through the exact same situations. Maybe then we might be able to have a cup of something and a chat...🍹😎. But until then......🙊 That being said, I know some of you may feel some type of way after reading this, please don't. The last thing I want anyone to do is to second guess any interaction they have with me forever going forward. 🙅 Be yourself, do you boo. 👯 This is simply how I feel now, I will not feel this angry and cynical forever. Just bear with me, we will get through this together. 😘

So let me start off by asking this question: What do you say to someone, who has just told you they have been diagnosed with cancer?

Such a fairly simple question to ask, but a loaded one at that. Once I thought about it, I wasn't really sure what I would even say in this situation. Despite being someone who was ACTUALLY diagnosed with the life changing disease. I guess at the end of the day, everyone is different, and I can only speak for myself in this. However, I feel as though this is an important conversation to have. What are the proper actions when it comes to cancer etiquette?

OOOH! I just had a very "Carrie Bradshaw" moment, á la Sex in the City💃....*enter hair flip here* YAAAAS! ok sorry back to the conversation.😆

But forreal though.  What do you say? When someone dies, you can say "my condolences".... Mind you, there is nothing that pisses me off more, than people who say "I'm sorry", when they find out someone has died. Did YOU kill them?!? No I understand that they died of natural causes, but since your "sorry" it must be because YOU killed them. 😆 Well obviously this is not the case, but just had to point that out since i'm being so honest. I find it ironic that no-one has ever really talked about something like this, well in my circle anyway. But I guess thats a good thing, seeing as we've never really had to discuss cancer related etiquette in conversations, at least until now.😐 When it comes down to it, people will naturally say to others what they find personally comforting. Once they get over the initial "Holy Sh*t" shock of it all i'm sure. I guess it's natural to assume that since its comforting to them personally, it should be automatically comforting to the other person. Well, rest assured my dear friends, what's "good for the goose IS NOT always good for the gander" ✅🦆/🚫🦆in this situation. Maybe I am a "unicorn among horses" but as far as i'm concerned, when I was telling who I told, I wasn't ever looking for anyone to have to say anything.  Personally speaking, id rather the person say nothing at all, then regurgitate some bulls*t that they feel is the "right thing to say".

I wonder who it was that came up with the "you're a fighter!, you'll fight this!, you can do it!" garbage. Once I thought about it, garbage is exactly what that is. I understand the intention behind saying that, and that part I appreciate, seeing as it really does take an army of support to get someone through something like this. Its the empowerment side that I appreciate, I really do. HOWEVER, saying words like "strong", "fight", "survive" anytime I talk about my cancer, doesn't necessarily make me feel heard in the moment, where i'm at, in literally ALL the feels.  Honestly, I'd rather someone just scream HOLY FU*KING H*LL! and just wallow, with me, in the bulls*t for just a minute, then move on to ANYTHING else that is happening in life. 

Throughout these whole 7/8 months, 9 times out of 10 I forgot I even had cancer. I never felt "sick", "ill", "dying" or anything along those lines. If anything, it was just more or less an inconvenience for me to have to take the time to go all the way downtown for the appointments. Not to mention, take out a bank loan equivalent to a moderate size fortune to pay for the parking alone. $20.50 for 3 hours! Highway robbery.😠 

I personally believe that when a person is about to die, a.k.a "take a dirt nap"/ "pushing' up daisies"/ "kick the bucket", you truly feel it. You know it deep down in your soul, that it's near or close. Not once did I feel that way throughout this whole process. All I knew was, it was something that was happening despite my optimism. So there I was, just going for the ride, despite not being in control. To be honest the best way to describe it, is being in a car with someone else driving at 3,000 km/hr down a 8 lane highway. But I'm not even sitting in the backseat, i'm tied up in the trunk.🚙💨 Horrifyingly morbid, yes I know, but its truly the best way to describe this whole sh*t show of a situation.

I think the hardest part aside from hearing I have cancer, and having to tell my husband, was also in general telling other people. What I didn't expect, was literally re-living the horror and emotions each time I told a new person. It actually got to the point of feeling pure anxiety, of having to keep regurgitating the same garbage over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over again. 🙈 I believe the part that caused me the most anxiety, was not knowing how the person I was telling was going to react. Every person I told had so many questions, in fact, often the same questions I had, most times, yet I had no answers. Why you ask?, because the medical team behind me didn't have them either, other than a confirmed endometrial cancer diagnosis.   The unknown, the uncertainty of it all. I knew whoever I decided to tell was going to support me the best way they knew how. However, being the natural caregiver I am, it always ended up with me supporting them after they found out. Ironically enough, I was the one with the life changing diagnosis, yet I was the person doing the consoling. Let's think about this for a minute, how does that make sense?....In a perfect world, I'd love just having everyone in a huge room and announcing it over the loud speaker and going from there. But no such luck. Over and over again there I was regurgitating this bullish*t speech about having cancer and how i'm not a victim. Why do I say it like this? Well its because i'm not. I never saw myself as a victim in this situation, nor did I want to be treated as such. All I wanted was to continue on with my life as normal as humanly feasible, and get this crap out as fast as possible. Point, blank, period.👇

I never wanted to get cancer, that was never in my life plan. I was too busy enjoying what I already had going for me i.e. work, husband etc. Now that I found out I had it? well it was just another journey I was to go on. Every time someone commended me for being a "fighter", I just pictured myself in a UFC cage match with a giant cancer filled uterus as my opponent💪. But where was the door?, shouldn't there be an exit?!, somewhere, anywhere!!! WTF!  Even the top of the ring is covered in fencing, there is no exit! Which brings me back to my point, I never had a choice to not have cancer, there was no exit, this IS happening. Trust me, if I did have a choice I would have said H3LL NO! a good long time ago if I even had the choice of a "door A or B".

Personally as someone who has been diagnosed with cancer, you would be surprised about how many people have reached out to me. I'm honoured, really and truly I thank every single one of you for your support. I also think writing this blog has really helped as well, in terms of getting to word out there. For the most part being diagnosed was never anything I wanted to keep quiet and to myself. I wanted to tell  my journey, while in turn helping as many people as I could along the way. By getting the words out there and sharing my story of corse. It's been such a blessing to have so many awesome people, not only who I currently see regularly, but also are from my past i.e high school that have reached out to send love and support. There really isn't anything that fills my heart more then to have someone say that they love reading this blog, how much laughter/joy it brings them, and that they "stalk" the page waiting for the next one.😘 Hence, why i've made them every Monday now, YUH WELCOME! Last thing I need is a hoard of angry people banging on my door at all hours of the night demanding to know when the next post will come out...

👥👥👥👥👥👥👥👥🗣💪💥🚪

Yeah, I know, only in my dreams I get it😆

HOWEVER.......

On the flip side, you would not believe some of the stuff people have ACTUALLY said to me.😐 I don't mean to put anyone out there on blast, but c'mon people I just can't with some of this stuff.....🤦

"Wtff..just saw ur post are u ok u have cancer or am  reading  it wrong...Stay positive always and fight u will be cured...don't let anything stop you keep moving forward you got family ur husband n us as your friends to be there for you n be motivated ..you and me are fighting to live but the difference is u can get cured as I can't as I have diabetic type 2 with no cure in sight I just be careful and keeping safe and living life ..so stay bless n be happy I hope I see you soon"

Uhhh... I'm sorry WHAT!?😳😟🙅, for the sake of udder humiliation, i'm gonna keep the name of that person to myself. But forreal though, 1 million percent, diabetes and cancer are NOT the same thing. You see what I mean when I say I'd rather just have people keep to themselves. SERIOUSLY. Anyone know where you can get a human muzzle? For sure amazon sells them, they sell friggin' everything. Maybe when i'm done here i'll send them a  direct link so they can order one ASAP😷😂.

Honestly, I don't even know where to go from here. So i'll just leave it as that😆. I think the one major thing I'd like you all to take away from this, is to just be mindful of what you say or do. Just because it is something that comforts you, please DO NOT assume it's comforting to the person sharing their diagnosis. 🗣 READ THE ROOM PEOPLE. Sometimes just acknowledging that it's a really sh*tty situation and letting the person talk is enough.  Let them bring it up, let them talk about it at their own pace. They will share what they want, when they want, when they are ready. You don't necessarily have to be constantly bringing it up. At that point it's just an unnecessary reminder to them of what already is happening and going through their brain. At the end of the day, you are not obliged to actually say anything. Sometimes just physically being there in silence is enough. Trust me.

Hope this helps.🤟🥰

Stay tuned for next week, to be continued....