Chapter 14: First pathology results

Hey all, so I changed up a few things on here in terms of style and how things are looking. Hope you like it! Feel free to let me know what you think! Not to mention, 100% feel free and comfortable to comment. This is a safe space, I want everyone to feel comfortable to join in the conversation. That's the only way we will be able to keep up the awareness, and the conversation going!

I bet you're wondering what the heck that is above.... well.... SURPRISE! thats actually endometrial cancer cells from a pathologist's point of view. Interesting eh? Thanks Google. Kinda looks like cotton candy or hubba bubba with whipped cream folded in.... Or not. 😏 Please note, that is not my picture, I do not own it, nor is it my sample.

Let's see where did I leave off last time. I had the first oncologist appointment, saved my own life from the creepy dude in the parking garage 💪 thanks to COVID, and somehow still didn't have "cancer" despite being referred to the undisputedly best cancer centre in North America, if not the world.😕 I think what a lot of you may not realize, unless you have been through a similar process yourself. Is how much I felt like I was on a speeding bullet train at all times, with no idea who was driving at any given time, or what the destination actually was. I think the fact that, because of all of this was moving so fast, it was "easy" to somewhat go with the flow, most of the time. There was very little time to more or less "digest" what was actually happening, which  I guess was a good thing.

To be honest, in a span of a week in a half, I found out I had cancer, had an MRI, CT, and Ultrasound. See what I mean?  Not much time to think, let alone take a breath. I guess it's my own fault for not knowing anything was actually wrong with me, and putting my health on the "back burner" for so long. To answer your question, yes I was still working through all of this. In fact it was the only part of my life that actually felt normal. Most days, I was still working from home due to the "never-ending" pandemic. However, I would go into the office once a week or so just to get things done I couldn't access/do at home.

About a week after I had the oncologist visit, I got a call from a random number. I don't usually like to answer numbers I don't know, as 99.9 times out of 100 it's a telemarketer. Ive had the IRS robot-voice  with a, VERY fake, warrant out for my arrest👮 regarding some mythical tax related issue. NOPE! I pay my taxes every year religiously, in fact, as early as I can every year just to get them out of the way!  Or, my personal favourite *enter boat horn noise here🛥* along with the "you've won a cruise to blah blah blah destination", just enter your credit card/passport number to verify its you, and claim your prize.  NOPE!, not doin' it.....dumb ass😒. However, seems as of late it's been, *enter extremely long, borderline awkward, silent pause here* then a clearly foreign voice pipes up, "It's Sam calling from blah blah blah duct cleaning service". Listen, we ALL know your name is not Sam, Peter, John, Kevin, or Paul. As much I would LOVE to talk to you, and tell you ALL about the ducts and "ducks"🦆🦆🦆 I pretend to have, to occupy your time, so you don't steal money from an actual vulnerable person. Personally, I find some level of sadistic enjoyment in wasting THEIR time, as much as they try to waste mine😈. But forreal though, get a real friggin' job instead of being a total dick, and steal all that i've worked VERY hard for, even though its not a huge amount.😒

Crap, I forgot what my point was, or even what I was talking about. Sorry. Stupid Sam💩. Where's Rupert? I miss him, I know HE would never try and steal mine or anyone else's money. Yes he's a stool, but my point still stands, I don't foresee him ever asking me for my credit card info. Oh Rupee, why can't everyone be like you? the strong, respectful, silent type👼.

ANYWHOOOO...... So I got a call from a number I didn't recondnize. I initially debated answering it, but seeing as i've been having so many calls from random numbers, who have turned out to be various hospital staff, for various different reasons.  I decided to take the risk and answer it. Turns out I was right, it was someone from Princess Margaret. More specifically,  it was someone from the pathology lab to notify me that the initial biopsy that was sent in a few weeks ago, had more to the story. I rushed out of the office, and eagerly awaited to hear what the woman on the phone had to say.  While I quickly paced back and forth on the sidewalk, she proceeded to tell me that in the biopsy sample that was provided to them, they found "endometrial carcinoma". 😳😱

Immediately I asked her what the heck that meant in English😕, "in the sample we were sent, we found cancer cells. You will need to follow up with your oncologist." Wait what?!, I immediately sopped dead in my tracks. But I was told I didn't have cancer. This makes no G.D sense! I though to myself.

"Hold on, so what does this mean?!" I said.

"The biggest concern right now is where exactly the cancer is. Seeing as its been found in your uterine lining (endometrium), we, i.e. your doctor, need to find out the exact extent of it. What we don't want is for it to be beyond the lining of the uterus and in the muscle. That would mean its no longer stage 1.  Your doctor will be doing some follow up tests to clarify that. Im sorry to have to tell you this, have a nice day."

I hung up the phone, and it felt like my world had come to an end. It's true. It's happening. My worst fear has come to fruition. 😖 As much as I felt as though I needed to get "checked out", I never imagined that something even close to this, would actually come of it. I stood there staring at the sidewalk for a good 5 minutes. 

Completely dumbfounded.

Completely helpless.

Completely numb.

What the hell was I supposed to do now? She left the conversation with "have a nice day"? As if she didn't just completely crush my entire soul, and then went on to eat her bulls*t ham and cheese sandwich with a Perrier and a side of peach yoghurt for lunch🥪. Who was I to call? Was I supposed to call someone? Where do I even go from here? I was truly in complete shock, and not having any idea what my next move was supposed to be.

Finally, I was able to gather my sh*t together as best as I could, and walk back into the office. Wether it was good or bad, I pushed everything that just happened aside,  and was able to finish my day as best as I could. I know most of you are thinking, "uhhh WTF, why didn't you leave and go home?!? how did you do that?!?" 😟 Honestly, it was the only thing I knew how to do at that moment. I work. I work hard, and I believe I am good at what I do. At that moment, the best thing for me to do, was to keep my mind in as straight of a line as I could, in a task that I knew how to do. Knowing myself, if I was to just get up and go home for the day, I would have completely lost myself and had a full-on mental breakdown. The only way I knew to keep myself together was to keep busy. So that I did.

Don't get me wrong though. Did I cry the whole way home? Absolutely. Did I dread telling my husband, knowing that his whole world would come crashing down even faster than mine did? YUP! But through all of that, not once did I worry about dying. That never crossed my mind. I had my moment and then right away thought to myself that I will get through this, I am not a victim, there was no other option. 

Looking back on it now, that may not have been the best way to deal with it. But it was how I knew to do so. I never wanted to be in a dark room curled up on the floor, crying the "oh woe is me mantra". Ive said it before, thats never been me, its not who I am. I may be worried, over think everything, and have copious amounts of anxiety. At the end of the day i'm gonna pull up my big girl pants, deal with it, and find the best solution I can to make it through.

So I did.

The first thing I did when I got home was look for supports. Where might someone look for such supports you ask? Well, I had no idea either where to look. Naturally I went to Google, as any normal person would. To my dismay, I found a whole chunk of nothing. COOL!😒 I went on the Canadian AND American Cancer society websites and they had tons of supports there. By tons of supports, I mean for everyone who wasn't me. Where did I fit in?, how could I get help and have my questions answered that I clearly needed so badly?!. Maybe it was in the moment, being so overwhelmed with emotion, but I had such a hard time navigating both the sites.  No matter where I looked it was useless, for what I thought I actually needed, despite not knowing what that was at the time.  The information and support I feel I needed was nowhere to be found. Need a wig? got it👩. Need breast prosthetic? Yup! can find that too😉. Need help with your ADL's? they got cha!🚿  Looking for a support group for any cancer that isn't endometrial? Bingo it's on there🗣.  I couldn't help but feel helpless. I was at the beginning, the start of my journey, that to my knowledge, was "luckily" only stage 1 at this point. I didn't need to have a wig yet, I could still do my own ADL's, and Lort knows I wasn't even thinking about looking for a hospice to go to. How is it possible that endometrial cancer is the LEADING cancer in women in North America, yes thats 100% correct, look it up. Yet there is little to no supports for women like myself to find for help!?!🤷 

To the sites defence, I literally just looked again and they have changed it since, which is great. I saw a section about endometrial cancer, and how its typically treated for stage 1 & 2. However, more supports are needed and easily accessible for people of ALL cancer levels, especially mine. Not all of us who are diagnosed are stage 4 and only have a few months/weeks to live. Some of us are lucky enough to have it "caught early" and only be stage 1. How are we supported? How!?😟

I know many of you are wondering what happened when I told my husband I had cancer. Thank you for your concern. Normally, I would be the first one to say whatever comes to my mind regarding anything related to this.  As i'm sure as you can tell reading thus far, I have. Yet, seeing as that part of the equation has to do with him, and for those of you who know him, he is a VERY private person. As his wife, I want to do my best to respect that. However, what I will say, naturally he was the most amazing husband I could have ever asked for. He was extremely supportive, and ready to "carry my bulls*t water bucket" whenever I needed him to. Only Lort knows how much I truly love that man.💝💋💏

To be continued....